Inconsequential

So like many bloggers much of the time, I have been going over so many topics in my head to write about, and yet have neglected to write about any of them at all, even in the last couple of posts I've written since little A has joined our lives. Or before that big event, even. For the last 6 months, blogging for me has little reward, only because I've not been completely open in my posts. I hit on the high points, keep it short, and post only once a month.  Blogging for me has become like a Christmas card picture- smiling faces flashing for a second- and not much more. It's depressing if you think about it, the way I'm not fully participating anymore in this blog.

Not that there are some big mysteries or dark secrets to uncover. Life with A has really been great and fairly easy- my transition to motherhood has felt fairly smooth, and besides some minor snags and hangups, mostly peaceful and extremely joyful. So therein lies the the rub. To blog or not to blog. I started blogging 2.5 years ago in order to not feel alone in the TTC process. I blogged and read blogs to learn, to commune, to be a part of a movement.  I needed the classroom of this blogging community to round out my education on how to get pregnant, how to deal with loss, how to manage my expectations, my relationship and myself in this process.  I'm just not sure how much I need to keep blogging now that I'm through with my TTC journey. I am still learning so much from being a part of this community- and still learning from and following the blogs of some of you very closely- although I don't always comment. But as for posting about my own life now- it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I want to remember these days honestly- and my blogging now has become so shallow that I don't want to file away these posts as actual representations of this time in my life. Le sigh.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm not sure what I want to do about continuing to blog. Maybe I'll keep writing bulleted, shallow posts that don't mean anything. Maybe I'll start being completely open and just lay it all out there. Maybe I'll stop writing and fade away. Who knows. For now, it feels good just to write about what's been bothering me. And now, back to mothering...

Last Bullet

Weeeeellllll Hello There!

I have so been enjoying the blog carnival posts that every time I login to write my own post, I end up reading everyone else's insights....good provocative stuff. I won't take the time now to write full posts on each subject, but may just touch on a couple, as well as give a brief update. Things are moving right along here in the MISNO household. Can I bullet? Is that okay? Or did I run out my bullet-post-quota while I was pregnant?! I'll do this last one and then nice, big, juicy posts from here on out. I promise I'll try. We'll see how it goes :)

• Aurora is doing quite, quite well if I do say so myself! Aside from a trip to a pediatric cardiologist to verify the innocence of an innocent murmur (hallelujah!), she has been great: eating a ton, gaining weight, getting longer, holding up her head, following us with her eyes, holding toys, laughing, cooing, and generally being supremely entertaining and lovable. Our favorite part of the day is waking up with her in between us in the bed (she moves to the bed from the co-sleeper in the early morning hours), and spending up to an hour watching her wake up slowly, stretch her chubby arms, put her big lips in a yawn, and give us a show. What heaven. Who knew something so simple as watching your kid wake up would provide us all the entertainment and enjoyment life can offer. Love it.
• Parenting A has been good so far. It is a change. Big change. Whereas my days before revolved around work, running errands, yoga, friends, stepson, wife...etc, my day now consists of making sure we both are fed, clean, clothed, and rested. You know, the essentials. Leaving the house sometimes does not happen until 2pm. I have returned to sleeping in and drinking coffee. I have abandoned worrying about getting things done. No getting things done around here. Not at all, and its awesome. Doing nothing has never been so rewarding. My work time at the restaurant is completely up to me, and only necessitates a couple days a week to finish. We have a little setup in the office where I take baby with me in order to get things done. I feel very, very lucky to be able to have this life and this work arrangement. Chefy and I are constantly remarking and remembering this fact and feeling thankful for it. I can say that I am with the baby all.the.time. Of course. And it is getting to the point where I don't need a babysitter per say, but once in a while it might be nice to get out by myself, go to yoga alone (as opposed to mom/baby yoga), maybe do some retail therapy....you know. So that day will come soon, I hope.
• Breastfeeding is also great. I went into it thinking for sure I would encounter some issue, and (knock on wood) it is still early and who knows...but for now things are great. My supply is meeting her needs nicely, and I have even been able to help out a friend who is BF'ing and needs a little supplement. I realized early on that following the baby's cues and needs is key. I don't sweat the small stuff (I read somewhere that if milk leaks from her mouth, the latch is wrong...seriously!?! A is always a little leaky), I keep in mind that the most important thing is to nourish the baby by getting the milk in her mouth, and so therefore everything else- (holds, latches, methods...) I don't worry about. As long as she's gaining weight and I'm comfortable, it's all good.
• Baby and I took our first trip to Iowa to visit the fam for my Dad's 60th birthday party and to introduce her around. It was really great, but totally overwhelming. Lesson learned: If you are feeling exhausted, take care of yourself and baby first before anything else. Having a baby to look after makes socializing take a backseat. At the party, A was great. But later that night she was crying harder than I've ever seen her cry. Great, earth-shaking, ear-splitting sobs. It killed me. She had just been over socialized and under-slept. This was a big lesson for me. Above all else, make sure baby is getting her needs met first, regardless of commitments you may think you have. I'm learning as I go, most definitely. 
• Chefy's and my relationship is going well. Parenting is a new challenge, of course, but so far so good. She has co-parented a newborn as the non-bio mom before, so that is extremely helpful on my end as far as being worried about her bonding with the baby and feeling just as much a mother. Her relationship with her son is very strong- and this time with baby A is bringing back a lot of fond memories she has of her son as a newborn. When she sees me get worried or anxious about her not feeling as close to A because she's not breastfeeding, or because she's away from A more than I am, she always calms my fears. She and I are just delighting in Aurora and enjoying this time while she is so new. We've had two babyless dates since A has been born, and I'll tell ya.....I think that is key. If we could have one date a week- that would be killer. It's time for me to make that more of a priority.
• As far as our donor- we chose an anonymous donor. Chefy's son is also donor conceived- from an anonymous donor from the same bank. I am most definitely a nurture over nature person, and believe and respect families can and are made. I also think there is a natural curiosity arising from not knowing your blood family. My mother was adopted and has zero desire to find her birth family. Growing up, this plagued me. I always wanted to know the missing half of my extended family. Now I see things differently. My mother always says that she had a loving family (her adopted family), why would she need to find her biological relatives? I am seeing her argument more clearly the older I get. That being said, we will let A pursue any interests she may have when she gets older, if she so chooses. For now- we're letting it lie.
• Here are some pictures of our growing girl. I have been thoroughly enjoying reading every one's posts and look forward to the next blog carnival.