180

16 weeks, 1 day down. Only 5 months to go!

Lately I have found myself complaining when talking about my pregnancy, and I've had to stop myself. I refuse to become a mother who struggles to get pregnant and then complains when she is. While this pregnancy isn't always glowing and fabulous and easy, I am not taking any moments of it for granted, not even the not-so-glowing ones. And lately these moments seem to be rearing their ugly heads.

First, I got diagnosed last week with BV (bacterial vaginosis). My discharge had been a strange color and not seeming that healthy over all, so I went to get it checked. Turns out that yup! I'm one of the lucky ones to get this lovely little bacterial infection. Good times. While many pregnant women get BV, I made the gigantic mistake of googling "BV and pregnancy" after coming home with antibiotics in hand. BIG MISTAKE. The entire first two pages are filled with "articles" about how pregnant women with BV have a much higher chance of going into preterm labor, having premature rupture of the membranes, and second trimester miscarriage. WHAT!?!?!?! I had just started to get over the first trimester worries and now this? UGH. After my wife and mother helped talk me down out of the google-induced tree I had climbed, I talked again with my midwife who reassured me that she sees tons of women with BV in pregnancy and that the chances of going into preterm labor because of BV were about as big as getting into my car and getting into a car accident. OK. Deep breaths. Needless to say, my acupuncturist was right. She keeps reminding me that no pregnant woman sails effortlessly through 9 months without some scare at some point. I get it. Turn off the computer, listen to my midwife, take my probiotics, and calm down. Just curious, anyone else out there have BV during pregnancy?

Another issue rearing its not-ugly-but-annoying head is the bloating which will not subside. I started prenatal yoga this week and in two classes I more closely resembled the women who were 25-30 weeks and not all at the 14-20 weekers. I just turned 16 weeks, and I'm huge. Very obviously pregnant and showing. You know what? I started this post saying I wouldn't become an ungrateful pregnant woman and look at where this post has gone......I'll stop this thread now and begin anew. Let's try this again, shall we?

I am thrilled that I've made it this far. I am happy that the baby is here, its wee heart thumping inside me, growing daily. I am unsettled a bit by the fact that I'm so big so early, but really there is nothing I can do about it, so there. The BV can go F itself while I am busy starting to interview doulas. I am ready for this second trimester, for this period of growth and preparing for the baby. I am ready to feel energized and healthy, and to go days without feeling sick. I am currently reading Ina Mae Garten's Guide to Childbirth and loving all the "I gave birth to my baby in a cabin in the woods and it was a magical experience" stories. I am seeing birth more lately something not to fear but to look forward to, and as an experience that requires calm, freedom from expectation, understanding of yourself, and patience.

In this second trimester, I want to embrace and practice those qualities. I need to quell the impatience around not knowing, the fear of the unknown and to turn those moments on their heads- instead practicing trust in my body and the baby to work together and that if I am calm and patient, good things will come. Moments of 180. Everyday.
In closing, here is the 16 week picture. 
                                                                           16w0d:

I think there might be a baby in there

14w1d:

 

Now and Then: a 2010 Retrospective

As 2011 is now incredibly upon us, and as every ones lives move gaily forward, I feel the need for my own personal records to stop and think about the past year; what's happened in the last 12 months and how its influenced where I am now. This might be tedious and about as dull as watching Funny Girl (yikes how did that movie gain such notoriety?), so be warned. I've decided to break this down per subject.

Baby Train:
2010 was the most horrifying and exhilarating ride on this baby roller-coaster. A chemical pregnancy, a missed miscarriage and then a (so far) successful almost-14-week pregnancy to round it out have been a whirlwind, to say the least. March through October seemed never-ending for me, and the depth of the depression and anxiety I was immersed in after that those miscarriages was a surprise. While my dad and brother both struggle with depression, I hadn't been that sad and empty ever, so those months were hard. As I realize must happen with tragic events, their occurrence brings to the fore a whole host of other issues. I felt very lost and couldn't seem to find solid ground for a while. I know that so many women experience this very same shitty situation, and sometimes I feel weak for letting myself get so depressed after only 2 miscarriages, but I can't feel bad about feeling bad, right? So onward we go. There obviously still needs to be some therapy around this. Yes.

This pregnancy has been such an obvious change. I can't say that my sadness about the miscarriages has completely abated, but having a pregnancy progress and gaining new ground every week has been incredible. I am not taking this experience for granted and am often overwhelmed that I managed to make it here after what's happened this past year. So I'm carrying around excitement, uncertainty, anxiety, residual depression, elation, nervousness and joy....and somehow I will make it all work. I'm not sure how, but we'll see now won't we?

Family:
Chefy. Pooooooor Chefy. What a feat she has accomplished in just keeping me going this year. She has been understanding when I need it, a patient listener, a calm voice of reason, a strong support. Her life has been full of trauma and tragedy since birth, so she's practiced at looking at the bigger picture and keeping calm and carrying on. I'll stop gushing, I promise, but I feel blessed to have a wife who can do her best to keep me upright and remind me of what's important.
As far as this current pregnancy, I think she is just trying to get through all the current chaos at work (next subject), so she's taking it a day at a time, as I am, and is getting more excited with each passing milestone. We've even started talking about names. It's starting to take on a very real formation in both of our minds.
While my family has been wonderful (they are pretty much all of the time, I am very lucky), I have to say that I'm very much over this pressure to have a grandchild for my parents. The miscarriages were two-fold disappointments b/c not only did I feel I was toppling my own tower of clueless expectations, but I was letting my parents down too. Not a warm fuzzy feeling. They have been very supportive and loving, don't get me wrong. But damned if my mother couldn't even hold off until the second trimester to start buying baby clothes. I know, what a whiner I am. Chefy's mother can barely manage to hug her and here I am, bitching about my mom being excited to be a grandmother. I guess I have always struggled with trying not to let them down, and not being able to carry a grandchild was a feeling that I'd failed big time. Again....therapy.

Work:
The restaurant has been INSANE. While I personally have been going through all this baby-chaos, our business has been going through its own metamorphosis. About 1.5 years ago we bought the space adjacent to our (very small) restaurant and have spent the last hmmmm lemme see......9 months remodeling it to become our new restaurant. If any of you have been through a major remodel, you'll know the insanity and headache it is. Money, time, sawdust, chaos, dealing with contractors, money, permits, liscences, feeling like you're bleeding money.....it is a whirlwind to say the least. The good news is that the first phase (there are 2) to the project was completed last week and we are as of last Thursday in our newly built restaurant, and its beautiful and we've been off the hook busy, and we've both been busting our asses making sure things run smoothly. Thank the good whoever-is-up-there that I've moved into more of the second trimester bliss I keep reading about. As of last Wednesday (that's right, only one day before opening the new restaurant), I started feeling great! No more morning sickness (well, a lot less, anyway), and energy to spare. The timing couldn't have been better. I do have a baby bump which is turning from bloat into a full-fledged hard bump, so everyone at work now knows and they are all thrilled. Good times. Belly pictures to come.

So there you have it, a capsule of the life of Libby, 2010. My hopes for 2011 are of course that this pregnancy progresses in a healthy and exciting way and that Chefy and I embrace parenthood with all the gusto and joy we can muster. I can't wait.

Happy New Year Everyone!