Here we are.. waiting.

I have an ultrasound on Thursday, our fourth wedding anniversary. I'll be (supposedly) 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Let's hope.

I've been back and forth with symptoms. One day I'll feel a barrage of signs: dizziness, moody, very sore bbs, crazy backache, headache, cramps, lots of peeing, etc..., and the next couple of days the symptoms will lesson, only to come back for an hour or two every third day...or something. I'm in such a mind-funk thinking and wondering if I am actually carrying a small something in there, that I'm half gone ninety percent of the time. At least it feels like it. It's a strange emotional place- one where you can't remove yourself from your immediate physical awareness. It's exhausting, and overwhelming, and crazy all at once. The roller-coaster that is early pregnancy (and pregnancy in general), is one that I am not used to- even though I've been here 3 times previously.

The one thing that keeps my mind in a dark place is that I've not had hardly any morning sickness. I know this is not necessarily an indicator things are bad, but I know that when I was pregnant with Aurora, it was a reassuring (if not awful) symptom. I've felt a tich queasy off and on, but I chalk those moments up to being psychosomatic.

We will see what happens on Thursday. What a nice anniversary gift it would be if we hear a heartbeat. And what a trial we will most definitely survive if we do not.

Three Good Things

1. My 4th beta, 48 hours after my last at 144.4 is 319! 42 hours doubling times.
2. Aurora didn't cry at preschool this morning-her first time in two weeks.
3. Summer is finally here in SF.

Feeling grateful and thankful today. And also a little foolish :/

Beta Limbo Lower Now

And the waiting/anxiety/craptastic early pregnancy dance continues.

Over the weekend, I got nervous. I got nervous because my spotting didn't stop like I thought it would. I got nervous because my symptoms left me. Bbs back to normal, no more backache, headache, queasiness. So I got #3 beta, which came in at 144.4. Shit.

That gives me a doubling time of 54.9 hours. Did I say shit? Well, shit.

My wife, while lovingly optimistic, is keeping the faith. I, on the other hand, am calling this one "on its way out." Facts don't lie, folks. I'm still spotting- not a whole lot more- but still. My symptoms are rare and weak, and my betas aren't quite there. It's just easier for me to accept defeat at this time, rather than draw out this crazy-making process. I just want the whole fucking thing to be over. Bleed, already.

Sorry for the dour news (with an even more dour attitude), I just can't bring myself to fake positivity during this whole process.

Second Beta

is...


58!


Though the odds were against us, (first beta was on 9/11, second was on Friday the 13th), things are actually headed in the right direction. I am officially 4 weeks pregnant.

In other news, the spotting has not completely stopped, but it remains brown and has decidedly tapered off. So I'm better.

While we're not out of the weeds just yet, I am feeling more optimistic. Once I see a heartbeat, I'll be much more excited.

Happy Weekend :)

Possibly.....

So theres these.

And then there's the spotting. No pink or red, but a medium (heavy spotting/super light period amount?!?) of dark brown mucusy discharge. It's been about 20 hours of this stuff, and it's killing me. Remember my chemical pregnancy back in 2010? Yeah, it could be another one of those, although my spotting that time was pink and red.

Also, there's the beta at 12dpo: 23.2. Not fabulous, but my beta with Aurora at 14dpo was only 40.

Everyone on my RE's team, including my RE happened to be standing in the hallway when I went in to get my blood done. They all smiled and whispered a hushed "congratulations" to me, which was great. But, I'm only cautiously excited. The next 48 hours should be interesting.