Moving along...

I'll get right to it: ultrasound results found a heartbeat! My first out of three pregnancies. Chefy and I watched that crazy little thing thump thump on that screen and it was amazing. Things are measuring well, so says my midwife, so I am happy. I am a bit confused on this LMP vs. ovulation day dating. I ovulated 4 days earlier than usual this month, so I think I should have been 7w1d at the ultrasound, whereas my midwife calls it 6w6d. The embryo was at 6w5d which my midwife says is right on target. I'm a bit confused. I understand the LMP, but then if I know I O'd 4 days earlier (or so), then isn't the thing measuring 4-5 days behind? I have a decision to make on this one: I can worry about it endlessly, or I can go with what my midwife says, and be happy. She counted the heartbeat at 140bpm. approx, and said that everything is looking great. I have been siding with her, and not worrying. This one has been a pokey-joe anyway, from not having any symptoms before the BFP, to no pole at 6w u/s....so I'm not going to panic. It's just taking its own sweet time. Baby. Or something like it.

I can't believe it. Part of me is feeling so content, so satisfied to have made it this far. This is the most pregnant I've been. And another part of me is thinking as I write that line... god I hope I don't regret writing about this excitement. What if it's just another letdown. I count 39 days until 13w, which seems almost manageable. Let's hope it passes quickly and painlessly.

Speaking of symptoms....another factor helping me not to panic is the horrible nausea I've been experiencing. It started a couple of weeks ago and has steadily intensified since then. I haven't vomited, but I think that's only because I abhor throwing up. I hate it with a passion. At first, I felt sick only in the morning and at night. Lately, that icky feeling has been creeping in on my afternoons. I feel like I'm walking through waves of nausea for most of the day. Last night was the worst. I almost started crying. My lovely wife has been feeding me regularly, and I'm trying to eat some form of protein once every two hours. This helps keep things manageable to the point where I can be sane. Competing with the nausea is the consistently strong metallic taste in my mouth. What a combo. Yum.

My apologies again for not writing more, or with any amount of clarity or panache (for lack of a better word). At this point, all I can do is just get it out there, in whatever form. There's been a lot going on in the last three months, so much it feels daunting to sit down and type it all out. Thanks for the support while I sort myself, my grief about the miscarriages, and basically the mess that is this TTC experience, out.

Scared

So....it turns out I'm pregnant again. This is my third pregnancy for 2010, and so far I have one for each season; spring pregnancy in March, summer pregnancy in June, and now a fall pregnancy in October. Here are the details:

• femara cd 3-7.
• no IUI's this round, instead 4 vials at home, 2 for each of the 2 at-home insems. 
• positive hpt's on 12dpo.
• 1st beta 40 on 13dpo, 2nd beta 99 on 15dpo. Doubling rate of 34 hours. Progesterone is 28.8.
• 1st u/s this last Thursday at 6w, showing perfect yolk and gestational sacs, but no fetal pole. Midwife tells me she sees 50% of fetal poles at this point. I of course am terrified and think she is just being nice.

First, my apologies for not writing about this sooner. My emotional state has lately been anything but stable. Also, my apologies for looking like an a**hole for complaining about this process. I know I have been lucky to get pregnant easily, it's just that these miscarriages have left me incredibly depressed and entirely unraveled. I feel like I'm standing on quicksand. I'm not sure I will be able to get through another miscarriage. I am completely unable to relax or enjoy the fact that I am pregnant. I am living in a state of uncertainty and fear. My symptoms come and go, causing me continued anxiety. One day my breasts will be searing with pain, the next...nothing. I am stressed and anxious beyond belief. Most days I have no idea how I'll get through this.

I did have an early pregnancy appointment with this lovely queer midwife,  who talked about all the work and disappointment I've gone through as all part of my preparation for being a parent. I realize that I have not been accepting this pregnancy at all, and that all I can see it as is yet another miscarriage. At this point, I'm just trying to get through each day.

Who knows what will happen. My next ultrasound is next Thursday, Nov 18. I try to breathe, in and out, and just get through the moment. That's all I can do.