Inconsequential

So like many bloggers much of the time, I have been going over so many topics in my head to write about, and yet have neglected to write about any of them at all, even in the last couple of posts I've written since little A has joined our lives. Or before that big event, even. For the last 6 months, blogging for me has little reward, only because I've not been completely open in my posts. I hit on the high points, keep it short, and post only once a month.  Blogging for me has become like a Christmas card picture- smiling faces flashing for a second- and not much more. It's depressing if you think about it, the way I'm not fully participating anymore in this blog.

Not that there are some big mysteries or dark secrets to uncover. Life with A has really been great and fairly easy- my transition to motherhood has felt fairly smooth, and besides some minor snags and hangups, mostly peaceful and extremely joyful. So therein lies the the rub. To blog or not to blog. I started blogging 2.5 years ago in order to not feel alone in the TTC process. I blogged and read blogs to learn, to commune, to be a part of a movement.  I needed the classroom of this blogging community to round out my education on how to get pregnant, how to deal with loss, how to manage my expectations, my relationship and myself in this process.  I'm just not sure how much I need to keep blogging now that I'm through with my TTC journey. I am still learning so much from being a part of this community- and still learning from and following the blogs of some of you very closely- although I don't always comment. But as for posting about my own life now- it just doesn't seem worth it anymore. I want to remember these days honestly- and my blogging now has become so shallow that I don't want to file away these posts as actual representations of this time in my life. Le sigh.

I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm not sure what I want to do about continuing to blog. Maybe I'll keep writing bulleted, shallow posts that don't mean anything. Maybe I'll start being completely open and just lay it all out there. Maybe I'll stop writing and fade away. Who knows. For now, it feels good just to write about what's been bothering me. And now, back to mothering...

Last Bullet

Weeeeellllll Hello There!

I have so been enjoying the blog carnival posts that every time I login to write my own post, I end up reading everyone else's insights....good provocative stuff. I won't take the time now to write full posts on each subject, but may just touch on a couple, as well as give a brief update. Things are moving right along here in the MISNO household. Can I bullet? Is that okay? Or did I run out my bullet-post-quota while I was pregnant?! I'll do this last one and then nice, big, juicy posts from here on out. I promise I'll try. We'll see how it goes :)

• Aurora is doing quite, quite well if I do say so myself! Aside from a trip to a pediatric cardiologist to verify the innocence of an innocent murmur (hallelujah!), she has been great: eating a ton, gaining weight, getting longer, holding up her head, following us with her eyes, holding toys, laughing, cooing, and generally being supremely entertaining and lovable. Our favorite part of the day is waking up with her in between us in the bed (she moves to the bed from the co-sleeper in the early morning hours), and spending up to an hour watching her wake up slowly, stretch her chubby arms, put her big lips in a yawn, and give us a show. What heaven. Who knew something so simple as watching your kid wake up would provide us all the entertainment and enjoyment life can offer. Love it.
• Parenting A has been good so far. It is a change. Big change. Whereas my days before revolved around work, running errands, yoga, friends, stepson, wife...etc, my day now consists of making sure we both are fed, clean, clothed, and rested. You know, the essentials. Leaving the house sometimes does not happen until 2pm. I have returned to sleeping in and drinking coffee. I have abandoned worrying about getting things done. No getting things done around here. Not at all, and its awesome. Doing nothing has never been so rewarding. My work time at the restaurant is completely up to me, and only necessitates a couple days a week to finish. We have a little setup in the office where I take baby with me in order to get things done. I feel very, very lucky to be able to have this life and this work arrangement. Chefy and I are constantly remarking and remembering this fact and feeling thankful for it. I can say that I am with the baby all.the.time. Of course. And it is getting to the point where I don't need a babysitter per say, but once in a while it might be nice to get out by myself, go to yoga alone (as opposed to mom/baby yoga), maybe do some retail therapy....you know. So that day will come soon, I hope.
• Breastfeeding is also great. I went into it thinking for sure I would encounter some issue, and (knock on wood) it is still early and who knows...but for now things are great. My supply is meeting her needs nicely, and I have even been able to help out a friend who is BF'ing and needs a little supplement. I realized early on that following the baby's cues and needs is key. I don't sweat the small stuff (I read somewhere that if milk leaks from her mouth, the latch is wrong...seriously!?! A is always a little leaky), I keep in mind that the most important thing is to nourish the baby by getting the milk in her mouth, and so therefore everything else- (holds, latches, methods...) I don't worry about. As long as she's gaining weight and I'm comfortable, it's all good.
• Baby and I took our first trip to Iowa to visit the fam for my Dad's 60th birthday party and to introduce her around. It was really great, but totally overwhelming. Lesson learned: If you are feeling exhausted, take care of yourself and baby first before anything else. Having a baby to look after makes socializing take a backseat. At the party, A was great. But later that night she was crying harder than I've ever seen her cry. Great, earth-shaking, ear-splitting sobs. It killed me. She had just been over socialized and under-slept. This was a big lesson for me. Above all else, make sure baby is getting her needs met first, regardless of commitments you may think you have. I'm learning as I go, most definitely. 
• Chefy's and my relationship is going well. Parenting is a new challenge, of course, but so far so good. She has co-parented a newborn as the non-bio mom before, so that is extremely helpful on my end as far as being worried about her bonding with the baby and feeling just as much a mother. Her relationship with her son is very strong- and this time with baby A is bringing back a lot of fond memories she has of her son as a newborn. When she sees me get worried or anxious about her not feeling as close to A because she's not breastfeeding, or because she's away from A more than I am, she always calms my fears. She and I are just delighting in Aurora and enjoying this time while she is so new. We've had two babyless dates since A has been born, and I'll tell ya.....I think that is key. If we could have one date a week- that would be killer. It's time for me to make that more of a priority.
• As far as our donor- we chose an anonymous donor. Chefy's son is also donor conceived- from an anonymous donor from the same bank. I am most definitely a nurture over nature person, and believe and respect families can and are made. I also think there is a natural curiosity arising from not knowing your blood family. My mother was adopted and has zero desire to find her birth family. Growing up, this plagued me. I always wanted to know the missing half of my extended family. Now I see things differently. My mother always says that she had a loving family (her adopted family), why would she need to find her biological relatives? I am seeing her argument more clearly the older I get. That being said, we will let A pursue any interests she may have when she gets older, if she so chooses. For now- we're letting it lie.
• Here are some pictures of our growing girl. I have been thoroughly enjoying reading every one's posts and look forward to the next blog carnival. 

We're still here!

It's been eight weeks- and things here are mighty fine. Apologies on not posting since giving birth, but having a baby does actually become time-consuming. Kind of.
Everything around here has been great. Aurora is a great eater, pooper, and sleeper. We've been spending the last two months having a bit of a love-in: sitting around feeding, smiling, cooing, and loving. It's been fabulous.
Here are some pics from the first month.

Birth Story

So folks- here's the story of baby Aurora's arrival. Let me please preface by saying that looking back, I see myself simultaneously as the strongest and weakest woman alive after that experience. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, by far. But, of course, well worth every second. That being said-

Thursday morning, July 14, 2 am. My contractions start in the middle of the night. They are fierce enough to wake me, but not intense enough to get out of bed for a couple of hours. The night before Chefy and I had gone on a nice date: dinner and a movie. Awwww.. Good thing, b/c as of now, I have no idea when the hell that's gonna happen again. :)

During the day Thursday my contractions become increasingly strong and painful. We time them; four and five minutes apart in the morning and then three minutes apart in the afternoon. Our doula comes over. We will call her Susan. By early evening I am in a lot of pain and ready to go to the hospital. Susan holds me off (this will become one of the themes of this story) for a couple of hours, and we head to the hospital around 9ish. At the lovely St. Luke's, my friend and midwife tells me that sadly, I am only 2-3 cm dilated. She gives me the option of taking a shot of morphine to sleep, to which I reply Hell Yes. I take the morphine, stuff my huge painful self back in my car, and head home to sleep.

Friday morning, after some nice morphine sleep, the contractions come back full force, and with a vengeance. All day they are very regular, very painful, and very intense. I begin to wonder in amazement the fact that the world is so over-populated, if this is how all people are brought into it. The pain is disorienting in its intensity. It is as if I am being split open every couple of minutes. With a butter knife. Or dental floss. I am beginning to get tired of the pain. Susan comes back over and again holds me off for a couple of hours before heading back to the hospital. By three in the afternoon, she is saying "I'd be surprised if you weren't 6 or 7." Ha.Turns out  I'm only 2-3 centimeters still. Fuck. The  midwife on duty (never seen her before) tells me I have to go back home, at which point I do start to loose it a bit and have visions of choking her to death. Slowly. After pleading my case, they decide to give me IV fluids to see if that helps. This buys me the time I need. In the 2 hours it takes to give me the fluids, thank the goddess above there is a shift change, and my wife runs into our good friend, the lesbian OB, in the hallway who says "I'll tell them you can stay." So voila! I am admitted and life is good. I am feeling so much more comfortable at the hospital than I thought I would. It makes sense, seeing that I spent many hours with my mother, the resident, in high school- staying overnight in those small call rooms with her, sleeping on the starchy, white sheets. But I digress. I was just overjoyed to be admitted.

Along with being admitted, Friday night brings with it the fentynl. I get two doses, and in between walk some stairs and the hallway of L&D to get my cervix open. It works! I dilate to 7 by around midnight. The drugs helped me relax enough to dilate and the walking/stair work helped move things along as well. I give myself another couple of hours of pain-med-free contractions (which by this point I have been having for some 40plus hours) and then at 2am decide I want the epidural. Epidural doc gets called, and I scream in pain for the 40 minutes it takes her to get there. I AM DONE. Enough already. Give me medicine or kill me. She eventually shows up, gives me the edpi, and I am officially medicated- hooked up to catheter, IV, the whole shebang. Good times. I try to sleep, along with poor Chefy and Susan, who have been with me since Thursday morning. Yikes.

In my slumber, things fail to progress. At some point in the middle of the night, they break my water. Apparently it is a lot, as they all exclaim loudly while it pours all over the floor. Someone asks a sleeping Chefy if it hit her. She turns over, says no, and goes back to sleep. In the morning, I am still at 7. Time for the pit.

Pitocin takes its time working, and we wait. Saturday becomes a waiting game for me to get to 10. The epidural makes my legs so numb that they become what Susan affectionately calls Lincoln Logs. They pick up my legs to move me around and it takes me a while to realize they are attached to my body. It actually gives me tremendous anxiety, to not be able to fee/control the bottom half of my body. If I had a "the thing they never tell you" moment in all this, it would be that the epidural kind of F*ed me up, in numbing my lower half. Freaky. In retrospect, the epi didn't work for me as well. It stopped my dilation and make me anxious. I should have stayed with the fentyl and worked my way up to 10 that way.

So finally I reach 10 around 3 or 4 pm. The baby is still fairly high, so we need time to move her down. They don't let me start pushing until about 5pm, at which time I start to get very serious. I am going to push this baby out if it kills me. And I am going to do it in a short amount of time. At this point, labor has been about 63 hours for me, and I can't imagine pushing for 5 or 6 more. I am going to get this kid out, fast. They coach me on pushing for a bit, and I get really good at it. I am a pushing machine. We do three positions, and it is the last position that really helps move the baby down. Pushing becomes so gratifying. They have shut off the epi, so I can feel the baby moving down behind my sacrum, into the birthing canal. It's a crazy, amazing feeling. The best I've felt in three days. I turned my focus inward, listen to Rufus on the radio and nothing else, and with each push, feel the baby and I working together to get her lower and lower. After 3 hours of pushing, our friend the OB comes in and tells me that while everyone thinks I can push this baby out myself, she is willing to help. Yes, please dear lord help. She checks me and pronounces that she's ready to help. This sets things in action. People start running around, and suddenly there are 12 people in the room. The OB gets ready (she chats with my wife, they talk about music for a while?!?!) and the warming bed is turned on...things are happening. My mom has shown up from Iowa (good timing) for the last hour, and she and Susan and thrilled that the OB hasn't moved me into the OR. This means she has confidence things will go well. Yay. I am actually quiet, focused on each push, on moving her down and out. The OB brings out the vacuum, puts her hands inside me twice to kind of twist the baby out. I can feel both her hands inside me, pulling in a twisting motion. Insane. The midwives are yelling "DO IT! MAKE IT HAPPEN!" and I push with everything I have. Out she comes. Right onto my chest, a ball of blood and vernix. I am overwhelmed, overjoyed. Elated. I can't believe it. They move her to the warming table to check her, as I have developed a fever and she has had elevated heart rate tones for the last hour. I watch from the bed as I hear her cry- my mother, Chefy, and PooMan (who has been behind the curtain for the last 30 minutes of the birth), all looking at the baby as she is cleaned and given a nice apgar of 7 and then 9. She is put back on my chest for about 20 minutes. Those 20 minutes are probably the most incredible 20 minutes I've ever spent.

And that's it. While in no way was my birth what I expected- and in fact I kind of became a different person during that experience, it was what it was. I am changed. The hospital nurses, midwives, and docs were incredible. I am so grateful to them, to my wife, to Susan, my mom, everyone. I am so happy with how it went down, even though it was totally unexpected and not at all what my "birth plan" was. I am satisfied and thrilled at how things turned out. My favorite moment came at the end, when my stepson, from behind the curtain upon hearing the baby come out, started clapping. Everyone in the room started applauding together. That's what the birth to me felt like. A celebration.

Picture Pages

All is well in the world with her in it. Welcome baby Aurora!

She's Here!!!!!

Our baby girl, we'll call her baby A for now, was born Saturday night at 9:15pm vaginally, weighing in at 8 pounds, 14 ounces and 21.25 inches long. She has lots of dark hair, is gorgeous, and is doing beautifully. We are leaving the hospital this morning-it's been crazy- so pics and details on the birth to come. For now- we are in new-mama heaven!

Nada

Ok baby, TIME TO COME OUT!
Big sigh.

So I have been having tons of BH, strong, strong, and stronger, but nothing real. Also, there is a messy increase in um, fluid, that is curious. But..........that's it. Yesterday was the due date. I have 11 days to get this baby out on my own, or I get induced. Yikes. No pressure, baby, but your moms are ready for you to come on out now. Can't wait, really. ;)

Numbers and Patience

Here are the facts:

- Today I am empirically 40 weeks pregnant, according to when I inseminated and ovulated back in October. My midwives at the hospital tell me I am 39w4d. Good for me- b/c I then have three additional days in which to go into labor naturally. Yippee. Letting my body do the job on its own is important to me lately. I truly do not want to be induced. My hospital induces at 41w4d, at which I will really be 42w.

- I am now 2 cm dilated, 50% effaced and soft, cervix in mid-position, with the baby at a -2 station. I understand that these numbers have very little correlation with how my labor may(not) progress, but I guess I am satisfied(?) to know at this point. I wish that the baby were lower, and am considering doing some jumping jacks to make it so.   I kid.

- I thought I broke my water last Sunday night- but with no progressive contractions, went to the hospital to get checked on Monday night, 24 hrs after my "water broke." Turns out it was crionic (sp?) fluid, the fluid outside the two amniotic membranes, and not amniotic fluid itself. Probably also I peed myself some, adding to the amount of fluid pouring out of my body. I was squatting on my living room floor, playing with my cat, and out it poured- just like in the movies ;) Was sent home after confirmation that the baby is looking "excellent" and I am having minor contractions.

- Mucus plug was lost that morning, but have read/been told that this also carries little/no indication as to when your labor will start.

- Lots of confusing/non-productive/painful Braxton-Hicks contractions. Whenever I get up, am walking or move significantly, my belly becomes a rock and I get dull or shooting cramps at various points in my abdomen. These contractions are completely erratic.

- Yesterday morning for an hour or so I had a lot of painful menstrual cramp-like pain, which came in "wave" feelings. These felt different, and productive. I laid in bed and thought "Maybe today, Libby. Maybe today." Then I got out of bed and those yummy contractions went goodbye, not to return.

- I am doing my best to take deep breaths, remain calm, and maintain a level of patience with myself, my body, and baby girl. Patience is not a talent that comes naturally to me, and (my lack of) has been a major detriment on many levels throughout my life. If there was ever a time to practice relaxation, self-love, mindfulness, patience and common sense, it is now. I will myself to chill out. I will make it so, even if it kills me.

This (early!) limbo feeling is not easy to deal with. I am thrilled at the idea of meeting this amazing baby girl who is currently moving her large limbs and butt around inside me.  I am actually excited at the idea of going into labor, and can't wait to birth her, bring her home, to parent her, love her, have Chefy and I love and raise her together. All these things are like never-ending field trips, summer vacations and recess all day long. Thrilling. What I am anxious about is getting to that point, making that chain of events a reality. I want to be there, soon. Anyone have any suggestions/stories/ideas about how to handle due-date-limbo (DDL)? Much obliged, I'm sure...

Unplugged

My mucus plug found freedom this morning. Be free, mucus! It was very cool and a little gross. Lots of BH today, no real contractions. I feel like we might be in the beginning of this waiting game.

Swept

Honestly, I'm feeling a bit curious over here at Chez MISNO.

According to my midwife, I am 38w6d. According to me, I am 39w today. Either way you roll those numbers, I am very pregnant and ready for baby girl to make her appearance.

Yesterday morning something was different with my body. I had some cramping, some abdominal pain, and a good number of long, hard and uncomfortable braxton-hicks. Then I went to have my weekly appointment (as my prenatal class is over- I was in the June class and most of the women have given birth already- lots of adorable babies to fawn over!) and at the appointment, the doc swept my membranes. Good times. I would not recommend this as an end-of-the-day-relaxing type of activity. It was a bit painful and more than a little awkward. My OB is hilarious, and kept doing this Stevie Wonder impression while she had her thumb up my cervix, making me laugh, which made it hurt more. She's funny. Apparently I am not dilated, and conveniently forgot to ask if I was effaced :( BUT, she did manage to get that thumb in there and roll it around some, so that's the good news..

After the sweep (or the ream, as she liked to refer to it), things calmed down. Last night brought on some more very long BH, but no more cramping. Sleeping last night was hard, as I am full of anticipation that something may happen, as well as spending all of my mental energy trying to decipher each and every pin drop of pain or cramping. I did have some light cramping through the night and now again my entire abdomen seems to be made of stone and is not letting up. No bloody show, no water breaking. Is my impatience getting to me here, or could these BH/cramping/sweeping hopefully lead to something? Having never been in labor before, I am feeling like I'm grasping at straws in the dark. Baby also had a strange adjustment last night where I swear she was ramming her head against my cervix. Knock knock.

Not sure where all this is headed right now, if anywhere. I am going to take a shower, shave my legs, and then take a looooong walk. Bags are packed (kind of) and I am trying to keep my expectation in check. My due date is still a good 9 days away.

Happy July everyone!
Libby

It's Official..

I am SO OVER not drinking. I want a glass of champagne, and I want it now. Maybe this is a sign that I'm ready for baby to come. If you are drinking tonight, on this beautiful summer Friday night, please have a sip for me :)

Time to Post!

The quick and the dirty:
- still pregnant, 36.5 weeks.
- Am staring at ready car seat right now, imagining baby in it. Incredible!
- Queer childbirth class finished. It was very queer and very childbirthy. Used lots of ice cold water to mimic contractions and talked about gender pronouns/roles a lot. I expected nothing less....
- Am so thrilled that Pom and Tam gave birth to their little boy! Sending them the best of wishes and lots of love while they figure out what's going on with his health... (does anyone have that password?)
- Got to meet Mama Bao, Mama Jae, and Essie!  They are visiting SF and came into the restaurant, so we got to chat it up over lunch while Essie was basically the most charming and adorable child in existence. Seriously. That baby girl is so introspective and beautiful- the entire restaurant was trying to catch her eye and flirt with her. She's amazing! And her moms are very cool as well. Lucky lady.
- Feeling good- no physical pain or real discomfort. Am waiting for the baby to drop. We'll see....

 HUGE! 36w3d.

Who doesn't love the Muppets?

Inspired by fishina,  I am movin' right along here at Make It So...

There has been a lot going on, with the big event getting closer and closer. Not sure that I am ready. 
Scratch that. I KNOW I am not ready. Not even close. Here's what's been going on lately:

• 34 weeks. Feeling good, and ginormous. Absolutely gargantuan. I am still managing to do headstands in yoga, but am really feeling the extra 35 pounds I have to hoist up against gravity.
• Baby girl is head down, and has been for several weeks. She moves her butt from left to right occasionally, but I think she feels good just staying where she is. That is, downward. Stay, baby. Stay.
• Baby hiccups are frequent, as are more powerful and therefore, uncomfortable movements. A fist to the bladder, a foot to the side, all mentally comforting but physically awkward. Good times. 
• Chefy and I went on a one-day babymoon to a nearby coastal eco-resort. It was great. She got a message, I got a little sun, and we spent some QT together walking on the beach and hiking in the bluffs. Beautiful. We are headed with stepson to Tahoe for a week this Monday. Fishing, hiking, tennis, etc.... hopefully the weather improves! Ahh...summer in the bay area...
• We are putting in hardwood (bamboo) floors in our condo while we are in Tahoe. Nothing like an entire house to reassemble 5 weeks before giving birth! Chefy and I will have our work cut out for us when we get back. House re-assemble, Co-sleeper assembly, car seat installation, etc..... When we get back, in my mind it is officially GO TIME.
• Queer childbirth education class starts in a week. I am going with an open mind. We will see, hippie lesbian midwives....we will see. 
• The further along in this pregnancy I get, the more open I am to the possibility of anything happening during birth. When we first realized this pregnancy was viable, I was focused on having a "natural" childbirth. Whatever the hell that means. I wanted it to be epidural-free, basically. But the closer I get, the more open I am to being open during the process. Let's just say while I am going to attempt to be medically-intervention-free, I am not going to feel bad in the least if I get an epidural, or pitocin, or both. The reality is that I am giving birth in a hospital, with a midwife, a doula, and my wife present. I know that I can trust all three of these women (along with the entire medical staff at the hospital), and that whatever happens, will happen. If I have a healthy baby in the end, that's all that is important. Wish me luck! 
• Chefy and I (but maybe a little more Chefy) have officially become sports fans. More specifically, baseball. The Giants. We sit at home watching games and during innings look at each other and say "Who are we?" It's kind of comical. For some reason I find following baseball really relaxing. It's comforting, the science of the game. I can't explain it, really, but it just makes me feel cozy. Strange. 
• My acupuncturist is starting to talk about "getting ready" and saying things like "moving things along" and "opening your hips up" and such. I think she is trying to tell me that I'm going to have a baby soon, and that I need to get ready. Got it, Christine. I am down. Literally. (we do a lot of squats in yoga). haha. I am so thankful for her guidance during this entire pregnancy, and feel like she is going to set me up in a way so that I'll be as prepared as I can be when this baby comes. She even mentioned coming to the hospital if need be. What a champ. 
• I took a breastfeeding class (meh), and am spending time each day visualizing what it will be like to have a baby, full time. Our big task on this vacation next week will be for each of us three to come up with a baby song- one that will be ours to sing to the baby for her childhood. The reality that there will be a child I will sing to for years makes me feel so overwhelmed and blessed, it's kind of other-worldly. 
• I have been enjoying reading others' blogs more than posting on my own. I look forward every day to hearing updates- crying and being frustrated along with some bloggers, and celebratory and strong with others. It is such a gift that we let each other into our lives, and share our experiences. I don't mean to be dramatic about it, I just don't want to take it for granted. So thanks for sharing.

Peace,
Libberal

Prenatal pics

Here are a couple of our favorite pics from our prenatal photo session:

Fishina has a baby shop on ETSY!

It's official- Fishina of In Flux is now selling her wares on Etsy.

Go Check It Out!

Here's a beautiful example of some of her kick-ass stuff:

Third Trimester, Here We Come

Well Helllllooooo

I will skip the ridiculous opening paragraph about how my life is so boring I have nothing to write about. What was I thinking with that last post? My life is full of endless bouts of excitement, daily intrigue, and chock-a-block doses of charming chaos. Case in point:

• I am now 30 weeks pregnant. 10 to go. As my ever-encouraging mother put it, "it just feels so great to finally have a 3 in front of those weeks." Thanks for that vote of confidence, ma. 
• I feel huge. HUGE. I illicit lots of interesting looks/comments from just about everyone. I love the big smiles from women strangers, and agree politely with the "You're huuuuuge" comments from everyone else. I also am still getting free stuff randomly from strangers.  But, I'm pretty sure that the "cute and huge" pregnancy portion is coming to an end, and from now on I will simply be gargantuan. I'm bracing myself for the inevitable sympathy stares as I waddle around on swollen feet and smile widely through puffy cheeks and neck. 
• We had a slew of celebrities dine at the restaurant in the past couple of weeks. Most exciting (at least for me) was Dave Chapelle. He was Sooooo High, and very friendly. He came in the kitchen and took a pic with Chefy and I, and then shook everyone's hand as he left. Love Him! Possibly more exciting to this community was This L Word Actress , who looks exactly the same in person and who was also really friendly. I told her that Chefy and I were big fans, and she congratulated me on the pregnancy. So nice. Then we had Niko Case in the house, whom I didn't recognize, but who apparently went onstage at her show later that night and told everyone that she had had the "best breakfast of her life" at our restaurant. Wow. When it rains, it pours, I guess.
•  The stepson is starting to really embrace the "big brother" label. For our baby shower last weekend, he proudly sported the "new older brother" ribbon and showed me all the cool gifts he got for his sister-to-be. At 10, I think he's actually in a solidly mature-enough place to understand the capacity for cool that being a brother entails, and get excited about it. He's grown so much in the last year, it's kind of amazing. I have to say I'm a fan of the tween years. So far. 
• About a month ago, I received the BEST GIFT EVER from this crafty, intelligent, and oh-so-talented blogger. I am campaigning that she open a web store of some kind. I will buy the shit out of your shit, lady. Seriously. She is that talented and has kick-ass taste to boot. Hard to find. Let me know if you back me on this idea. Maybe we could start on a commissions basis, right J? Whaddya think?
  

  

  J's amazingness

• Baby shower was lovely. My wife (of course) had to make it about food as well as baby, so we held a baby shower/chili cook off. People got into it, and we had about 6 chili contenders, some yummy cornbread, drinks, cupcakes, and lots of lovely peeps. Chefy's ex even showed up, with a surprisingly thoughtful gift of baby pics of Chefy and her son (who the ex co-parents). It was quite the surprise (Chefy and ex=not best of friends). There were friends new and old, and even a handful of kiddies running around, tasting chili and eating cupcakes. It was a good time had by all, and Chefy and I definitely felt the love. I don't know many queers in SF who have kids, or are kid-friendly even, so having those folks around was reassuring to me as I truly and finally step out of the lets pretend to be adults phase of my life and into the holy shit we're going to be parents one. Obviously I am still in some denial about this, as I have been a step mom for about 5 years now. Um.....

• Chefy and I have a queer childbirth education class at the end of this month that I'm looking forward to. I also am taking a breastfeeding class next week, and am now going to community prenatal classes every two weeks and yoga about three times a week. I have started hanging out with some pregnant ladies from both yoga and prenatal classes, and it's been good. I am trying to build a bit more community around being a mom, as I don't have any family out here in Cali, and (as mentioned above), many of my friends have either moved away or are not so into gaybies.  I worry about feeling isolated after the baby comes, as Chefy needs to be at the restaurant and I will be at home with baby. Who knows? I guess it's something I will tackle when we get there. Perhaps I should be more concerned with childbirth at this phase. It's a couple short months away. 

• Sooo....I watched some childbirth videos the other night and they simultaneously thrilled and horrified me, which I think is a typical reaction. As the time between now and giving birth gets shorter, I am trying to embrace a come what may attitude, while remaining calm. I hope when the moment comes I can make that happen. In closing:

30 weeks, 1 day

Libby From the Block

Honestly, I have been at a loss lately with blogging material. I feel like my life is a slow-motion Lifetime movie about the most boring pregnant lesbian in the neighborhood. There is a whole lot of nada going on around here. I am in such a stalemate period that it's difficult to get inspired to think about interesting blog topics. Reading through my own archives, I realize that I was once a somewhat witty and thoughtful blogger- waaay back in the day. I don't know when the blog-tide turned, but I have become somewhat of a wet rag of the blogosphere. Blarg. So, my apologies. I have gone round and round with what to blog about, and here is what I have to offer (let me warn you, its not much). Feel free not to read. Or comment.  Really.


1.  Working in the restaurant has become a constant game of making the same following three statements: 1.The first week of July...... 2. It's a girl....... 3. You want to tell me your (insert birth story, parenting story here)? Interesting....
It's nice, really. People are very sweet, and even though they've been waiting to get a table for over an hour, they can't yell at the pregnant hostess, can they?! When our POS machine went down during a busy lunch a week ago, I was scrambling around from table to table, apologizing like crazy and comping everyone's drinks. I managed to turn some really pissed-off customers into pools of melted goo with my big belly and the "I'm the owner and I truly apologize" speech. Worked like a charm. Thanks baby. I'm thinking after she's out, I can just carry her around the restaurant in a carrier, just to keep this streak going. Nothing like using a baby as customer service collateral.

2. I went back home to Iowa last week, where my Aunts and Grandma threw me a surprise baby shower. It was so incredibly thoughtful and lovely. I am blessed with the family I have.

3. I am trying to enjoy down times, alone and with Chefy. We went to see Ani last week (Loved it! Chefy kept looking at her watch) and have been spending time going out to nice dinners, going on dates...etc. Time to enjoy the moments we won't be having for a while. In fact, today I am blogging, meeting with a friend this afternoon, and enjoying the sunshine. Like I said, most boring pregnant lesbian on the block.

4. As I enter the third trimester, I of course have been thinking a lot about the birth of this baby. My yoga teacher is a mother of two in her forties. She has a frank yet gentle way of reminding us pregnant students that someday soon we will be pushing a baby out of our vagina. She uses this phrase often, and I love it. That's exactly what we'll be doing, isn't it?
While I was in Iowa, my mom took me out to the new fancy hospital in the suburbs of Des Moines. She showed me the new labor and delivery suites at this insanely beautiful hospital (she's a pediatrician). I laid down in the birthing bed in one of the luxury suites (complete with calfskin leather recliners and DVD players), and the reality hit me. This will be me, in three months or so. Lying in this bed, pushing a baby out of my vagina. Now, before you say "duh Libby" to yourself, think about moments you've had like this in your life. Sure, you're pregnant and you are thrilled and excited and can't wait to meet the baby. And then one day you realize that this is possibly going to be the biggest day of your life so far, and that its course and outcome are unpredictable, and wham! Reality strikes. I am still harboring a lot of excitement and even thrill about birth, but I am also now feeling like it's time to get serious about this birthing business. Time to study.

5. It was really refreshing for me to go back to Iowa and spend time with all of my female relatives, talking with them about babies, birth, and mothering. While the general mentality around children and parenting in San Francisco is one of, shall we say, preciousness (and don't get me wrong, having this baby and being a parent is a gift I am not taking for granted AT ALL), the attitude around having children back in the Midwest is more one of.......hey, it's just what you do. You just have a baby and then you love it and take care of it. Many have more than one, or several! But babies and mothering are a big part of life that is treated in an unassuming, humble way. There's more of a feeling of "I love my child, and I hope s/he grows up to be happy and healthy," whereas here's it's more like "My child is gifted and amazing and will grow up to be president, get it?" I guess going back to my roots was a good reminder of what I think it means to be a mother to a child.  It's a simple job, no? To love your child and give it support and guidance and hope it turns out alright. I want it to be that simple and realize of course that it won't be. But remembering that children don't need thirty-thousand dollar-a-year private schools, to learn three languages before they're five, and go to Tahoe and Hawaii for their vacations, is worth remembering as I enter into parenthood for the first time. Isn't it?

6. 27w4d:

 

A Little Help from Their Friends

I have to echo a lot of other bloggers here and say please everyone let's pull what we can together and donate to help out This Family with their son Linus' struggle. I can't donate blood (long story), but I am going to give what I can to the organizations they have named on their blog. Please do the same if you can. All my love and well wishes to Trina, Robbie, Linus and family during this difficult time. Much love.

Clean Closets and Big Bellies

24 weeks tomorrow! Nothing much new to report- Yoga is my best friend right now, and I've started decluttering my house, hard core. Time to make room for this baby. Finally.

Two weeks ago I went to visit my oldest friend and her 1 month old girl. It was a wonderful, lazy and very educational weekend for me. The baby was so gorgeous and the parents incredibly laid back. We spent the weekend going on walks, changing diapers, breastfeeding, changing more diapers, holding and loving on the baby. In one word- heaven. I had such a good time and wished my friend lived a whole lot closer to me so I could watch her little girl get older, but such is life.

Dinner service at the restaurant keeps both Chefy and I busy. That, and life in general. You know how it is. I promise soon to post something more insightful/witty/interesting. Here's the latest. I'm getting bigger every day, so much so that strangers are buying me lunch!

Hey Baby

Here we are at 21 weeks!
Let's bullet, shall we?

• Baby girl is kicking a lot lately. Love it. Chefy thinks we are going to have one kick-ass little girl on our hands (she is thrilled). 
• I am enjoying this stage of pregnancy. I feel huge and am not sleeping at night well, but besides that- I am napping during the day, eating, and being as active (or inactive) as I want. I am trying to soak up and enjoy all this alone/down time before baby comes.
• I am going to prenatal yoga 3/4 times a week. I love being in a room full of pregnant women and getting a good stretch on. 
• We are in the process of interviewing birth doulas. Chefy loves the first one, I love the second. Maybe we will agree on the third? Let's keep our fingers crossed on that one.
• Restaurant work is crazy. We are opening for dinner service in less than two weeks, and there is a lot to prepare for before that happens. Days that I work on the floor I feel bad for baby-she's getting thrown around in there all day with all the footwork I'm doing....
• I am currently very down with these items; cocoa butter, probiotics, spinach, chocolate, chrysanthemum tea, pillows, and triangle pose. 

Here are two pics: one with good belly shot, and the other with our recently de-toothed (poor thing) cat, Tallulah.
                                                                        21w1d with cat:

21w1d:

Folks, we have a baby GIRL!

It's a girl! I can't believe it- I thought for sure it was a boy in there poking me at night. Chefy and I even talked to a stranger in the waiting room right before our ultrasound appointment yesterday who immediately told us we were having a boy b/c I am showing big. We were all wrong. The u/s tech confirmed that it's a girl and everything is looking great-measurements, body parts all in tact and functioning normally, placenta in normal position, heartbeat rate at 150, four-chambered heart- everything looking good.

I really wanted a lot more information than the crabby-panties sonographer was willing to give up- she kind of sucked. The only details she divulged during the exam were answers to questions we started to ask after realizing she wasn't going to fill us in on her own. While I was trying to warm her up by making small talk, she tells us that she never wants kids. Well, maybe you should think about another career choice not involving expectant parents. Without really telling us anything during the 30 minute procedure (of which I couldn't see the screen at all), she says "all done" at the end whilst turning off the machine and cleaning up. I had to ask- "Uhhh.....so does everything LOOK OKAY?!?!?!?!" She says...."sure..this is a level one ultrasound, everything looks good and you can stop worrying." Um...thanks.

Anyway, that's not important. What is important is that the baby girl in there is big and happy, measuring even a week ahead of my 19 weeks. I couldn't be more thrilled. While she didn't turn towards my stomach for a profile shot, we did get some funny pictures of her other parts:
                                          
                                                                   Baby Booty:

                                                                        Girl Parts!

I didn't even make it to the car without knowing what the sex was. Thinking that I could wait for five months while Chefy knew was totally unrealistic. I'm glad I know and now I'm just trying to let it sink in that we are going to have a girl. Incredible.

18 Weeks Bigger and Better

Things here in Chez Libby have been looking up!

I believe I've successfully cleared up that weird and unfortunate case of BV, along with any subsequent yeast infections usually accompanied with it.  In the last two weeks I've worked sugar, fruit and bread out of my diet and have taking other holistic measures (herbs, baths, probiotics) to get that pH back to balance. It seems to have worked, and now I'm slowly working fruit back into my diet. We'll see if I ever introduce yeast products again- I think my body is enjoying less gluten.

Chefy and I had our second communal prenatal class, taken at the hospital where we are planning to give birth. While owned by the large Sutter conglomerate, our hospital is known in SF for being the most natural-birth friendly facility, with a team of 8 CNM's who are pro active labor, natural childbirth, rooming-in, and very anti-unnecessary medical intervention. There is no time limit to labor, and women are encouraged to have doulas and be active during their labor. Good stuff.

Our prenatal care is actually given in a group setting with other women due in the same month. We take our own blood pressure (mine is always slightly high- more about that later) and weight, and then the midwife facilitating the group sits us in a recliner to use a doppler to listen to the heartbeat and take fundal measurements. It's all done in one large room, with music and food. Every meeting there are discussions on various topics. So far it's been great. Our friend and midwife is the facilitator of our group. This last meeting, she mentioned Ina Mae Garten's Guide to Childbirth as a model of how the CNM's at St. Luke's believe birth should viewed. With that one statement, I knew I was in the right place. I have always wanted to have a home birth, but my mother (who I am very close with and want to be at the birth and who is a doctor herself), had severe complications with all four of her births (including an inverted uterus and a stillborn), and I think she would disown me if I were to have a home birth. Seriously. It's been drilled into my head since I was a teenager that if  and when I give birth, it will be in a hospital. So....my dreams of having a home birth (for now) need to be put by the wayside. St. Luke's has become my best alternative. It's where I've been going for our IUI's and all my pre-pregnancy care, and it feels like home to me.


In other news, my blood pressure has been a little high (usually running in the low 130's over 80's). Both my acupuncturist and midwife have been telling me it's nothing to worry about, so I'm not. I am curious to figure out ways to lower it. I feel like I need to be more active, and watch my salt intake. Anyone have any good suggestions for high blood pressure?

In the best of news, we have been feeling the wee one move quite a bit lately (at least I'm pretty sure it's the baby moving). I've been feeling all kinds of flutters and lately it's become a bit more specific, with a couple of definite punches or kicks. It's thrilling in this overwhelming way. I've been reading to the baby and talking to it, trying to wrap my head around the fact that a little being is expanding and flourishing in there. Amazing.

Our second trimester ultrasound is next Wednesday, Feb. 9. I'm not worried, just a little anxious. Mostly excited. Chefy will find out the sex and I want it to be a surprise. I'm not sure how we're going to keep that one going for 5 more months, but we'll see.

Here's the latest:

18w3d:

180

16 weeks, 1 day down. Only 5 months to go!

Lately I have found myself complaining when talking about my pregnancy, and I've had to stop myself. I refuse to become a mother who struggles to get pregnant and then complains when she is. While this pregnancy isn't always glowing and fabulous and easy, I am not taking any moments of it for granted, not even the not-so-glowing ones. And lately these moments seem to be rearing their ugly heads.

First, I got diagnosed last week with BV (bacterial vaginosis). My discharge had been a strange color and not seeming that healthy over all, so I went to get it checked. Turns out that yup! I'm one of the lucky ones to get this lovely little bacterial infection. Good times. While many pregnant women get BV, I made the gigantic mistake of googling "BV and pregnancy" after coming home with antibiotics in hand. BIG MISTAKE. The entire first two pages are filled with "articles" about how pregnant women with BV have a much higher chance of going into preterm labor, having premature rupture of the membranes, and second trimester miscarriage. WHAT!?!?!?! I had just started to get over the first trimester worries and now this? UGH. After my wife and mother helped talk me down out of the google-induced tree I had climbed, I talked again with my midwife who reassured me that she sees tons of women with BV in pregnancy and that the chances of going into preterm labor because of BV were about as big as getting into my car and getting into a car accident. OK. Deep breaths. Needless to say, my acupuncturist was right. She keeps reminding me that no pregnant woman sails effortlessly through 9 months without some scare at some point. I get it. Turn off the computer, listen to my midwife, take my probiotics, and calm down. Just curious, anyone else out there have BV during pregnancy?

Another issue rearing its not-ugly-but-annoying head is the bloating which will not subside. I started prenatal yoga this week and in two classes I more closely resembled the women who were 25-30 weeks and not all at the 14-20 weekers. I just turned 16 weeks, and I'm huge. Very obviously pregnant and showing. You know what? I started this post saying I wouldn't become an ungrateful pregnant woman and look at where this post has gone......I'll stop this thread now and begin anew. Let's try this again, shall we?

I am thrilled that I've made it this far. I am happy that the baby is here, its wee heart thumping inside me, growing daily. I am unsettled a bit by the fact that I'm so big so early, but really there is nothing I can do about it, so there. The BV can go F itself while I am busy starting to interview doulas. I am ready for this second trimester, for this period of growth and preparing for the baby. I am ready to feel energized and healthy, and to go days without feeling sick. I am currently reading Ina Mae Garten's Guide to Childbirth and loving all the "I gave birth to my baby in a cabin in the woods and it was a magical experience" stories. I am seeing birth more lately something not to fear but to look forward to, and as an experience that requires calm, freedom from expectation, understanding of yourself, and patience.

In this second trimester, I want to embrace and practice those qualities. I need to quell the impatience around not knowing, the fear of the unknown and to turn those moments on their heads- instead practicing trust in my body and the baby to work together and that if I am calm and patient, good things will come. Moments of 180. Everyday.
In closing, here is the 16 week picture. 
                                                                           16w0d:

I think there might be a baby in there

14w1d:

 

Now and Then: a 2010 Retrospective

As 2011 is now incredibly upon us, and as every ones lives move gaily forward, I feel the need for my own personal records to stop and think about the past year; what's happened in the last 12 months and how its influenced where I am now. This might be tedious and about as dull as watching Funny Girl (yikes how did that movie gain such notoriety?), so be warned. I've decided to break this down per subject.

Baby Train:
2010 was the most horrifying and exhilarating ride on this baby roller-coaster. A chemical pregnancy, a missed miscarriage and then a (so far) successful almost-14-week pregnancy to round it out have been a whirlwind, to say the least. March through October seemed never-ending for me, and the depth of the depression and anxiety I was immersed in after that those miscarriages was a surprise. While my dad and brother both struggle with depression, I hadn't been that sad and empty ever, so those months were hard. As I realize must happen with tragic events, their occurrence brings to the fore a whole host of other issues. I felt very lost and couldn't seem to find solid ground for a while. I know that so many women experience this very same shitty situation, and sometimes I feel weak for letting myself get so depressed after only 2 miscarriages, but I can't feel bad about feeling bad, right? So onward we go. There obviously still needs to be some therapy around this. Yes.

This pregnancy has been such an obvious change. I can't say that my sadness about the miscarriages has completely abated, but having a pregnancy progress and gaining new ground every week has been incredible. I am not taking this experience for granted and am often overwhelmed that I managed to make it here after what's happened this past year. So I'm carrying around excitement, uncertainty, anxiety, residual depression, elation, nervousness and joy....and somehow I will make it all work. I'm not sure how, but we'll see now won't we?

Family:
Chefy. Pooooooor Chefy. What a feat she has accomplished in just keeping me going this year. She has been understanding when I need it, a patient listener, a calm voice of reason, a strong support. Her life has been full of trauma and tragedy since birth, so she's practiced at looking at the bigger picture and keeping calm and carrying on. I'll stop gushing, I promise, but I feel blessed to have a wife who can do her best to keep me upright and remind me of what's important.
As far as this current pregnancy, I think she is just trying to get through all the current chaos at work (next subject), so she's taking it a day at a time, as I am, and is getting more excited with each passing milestone. We've even started talking about names. It's starting to take on a very real formation in both of our minds.
While my family has been wonderful (they are pretty much all of the time, I am very lucky), I have to say that I'm very much over this pressure to have a grandchild for my parents. The miscarriages were two-fold disappointments b/c not only did I feel I was toppling my own tower of clueless expectations, but I was letting my parents down too. Not a warm fuzzy feeling. They have been very supportive and loving, don't get me wrong. But damned if my mother couldn't even hold off until the second trimester to start buying baby clothes. I know, what a whiner I am. Chefy's mother can barely manage to hug her and here I am, bitching about my mom being excited to be a grandmother. I guess I have always struggled with trying not to let them down, and not being able to carry a grandchild was a feeling that I'd failed big time. Again....therapy.

Work:
The restaurant has been INSANE. While I personally have been going through all this baby-chaos, our business has been going through its own metamorphosis. About 1.5 years ago we bought the space adjacent to our (very small) restaurant and have spent the last hmmmm lemme see......9 months remodeling it to become our new restaurant. If any of you have been through a major remodel, you'll know the insanity and headache it is. Money, time, sawdust, chaos, dealing with contractors, money, permits, liscences, feeling like you're bleeding money.....it is a whirlwind to say the least. The good news is that the first phase (there are 2) to the project was completed last week and we are as of last Thursday in our newly built restaurant, and its beautiful and we've been off the hook busy, and we've both been busting our asses making sure things run smoothly. Thank the good whoever-is-up-there that I've moved into more of the second trimester bliss I keep reading about. As of last Wednesday (that's right, only one day before opening the new restaurant), I started feeling great! No more morning sickness (well, a lot less, anyway), and energy to spare. The timing couldn't have been better. I do have a baby bump which is turning from bloat into a full-fledged hard bump, so everyone at work now knows and they are all thrilled. Good times. Belly pictures to come.

So there you have it, a capsule of the life of Libby, 2010. My hopes for 2011 are of course that this pregnancy progresses in a healthy and exciting way and that Chefy and I embrace parenthood with all the gusto and joy we can muster. I can't wait.

Happy New Year Everyone!