In leiu of

eating my weight in sugar, I thought I would add my tagged self to this sugar doll bit. I think MamaK and Pom tagged me, so thanks ladeeez. Here's my ten.

1. I am not a long-term, life-planner, at all. My entire life's theory has been "let's see where this takes me..." and so far it's taken me to some fairly incredible places.

2. I tend to befriend some truly talented and motivated peeps. My oldest friend just biked 950 miles of southern NZ, and my college roommate has climbed the seven peaks, and is about to do a six month triatholon-thingy. You might think this could motivate me to some personal jaw-dropping aspirations, but I am more of a "sidelines" kinda girl. As long as I have some good lovin, good food, and good company...that's right. I'm good.

3. I lived in Mysore, India for six months in my early twenties, and shaved my head there. All the locals thought I was a mourning widow. "So sad," they would say to me.. "at such a young age!"

4. I poison computers. When I touch them, their internal wiring starts to melt and morph, causing crashes and unexplainable breakdowns. I am amazed that I am still blogging and such, at this point.

5. I know only half of my genetic makeup. My mother was adopted and has no inkling to know her birth family. Therefore, my dark eyed and olive skinned self looks not much like my father's English and German blonde side of the family.

6. I have helped at least 5 kids to not drown in my 4 years as a lifegaurd, in both in pools and rivers.

7. I sang in a children's chorus as a tween and won some major international choir competitions. I still love choral music and totally take after my father in that way. (he's the state fair whistling champ).

8. I loathe small talk and hate fake people.

9. I had a sister who was born and died on my second birthday.

10. I am completely confused about the culinary popularity of offal. If I never have to eat anything with liver or blood or stomach lining in it for the rest of my life, I will die happy. (this is difficult to admit, as I'm married to a chef and it's one of their "chef" things...)

11. I just stopped bleeding. 7 days of full bleeding=not fun. But emotionally I am feeling so much better. As Puffer so brilliantly put it- that was a bad egg I had in there. Who the hell wants a bad egg? Not me, thanks anyway. :)  Moving on...

Fuck Miscarriage.

I went through at least four different possible post titles, and decided on the most authentic to how I'm feeling lately. Not kitschy, but unique just the same.

Things here in Chez Libs have been a wee bit sad, a wee bit tragic, and yet not without a wee bit of hope. I actually am still up in the air about whether or not to keep blogging for the time being, so if this ends up being posted then, well...yay I guess. Maybe that's a step forward for me.

So the miscarriage. Or, as my OB referred to it, "early pregnancy failure." Chefy has been making bad jokes about the EPF that I've had. They're horrible (the jokes), but make me feel better. So. My m/c was awful. It was bloody and sad and emotionally (but not physically) painful. I have gone back and forth on writing about the physical details of the m/c, because I think (as someone who is now in this category of Woman Who Has Miscarried) it is important to read about the actual physical part of passing a pregnancy, but am caught on how writing descriptively about it will help me heal. In that respect, I think I'll focus on how things went down emotionally, and just say I don't think there's any way a woman could physically prepare to pass her own ended pregnancy. It was hard.

Last week there I was, happily stunned by my pregnancy. I had had early spotting, but on Fri and Sat, it went away! The clouds parted, the birds chirped, and things were all right in the world. Then Sunday morning, my BBT dropped suddenly, about a whole degree. Crazy. I took a hpt to make sure it was still positive, and it was. Little did I know this was the beginning of the end. From there, the spotting just gradually got worse, moving from one or two small pink spots every hour to large red-ish puddles every time I went to the bathroom. I knew something was going on, and I was then in an intense state of stress and panic. Yet, there was nothing I could do. Talk about infuriating.
By late Tuesday morning, I was full-on bleeding and made Chefy go buy some more hpt's, both of which turned out to be negative. As quickly as we had become so elated, we both jumped into the misery pool and started then, I think, to try not to drown.

And now it is Friday. I am still bleeding at a medium level. I am also feeling better. I have had some amazing support from many people in my life. Chefy has been with me the entire time, holding my hand, crying with me, reminding me of all the positive things there are to be positive about. We went to see my OB on Wednesday, and she was very supportive and helpful..mentioning that we were lucky to get pregnant on the first try, and that this proves that at least one of my tubes is good to go. We talked about progesterone, and she is sending me a scrip and some information. She was apologetic and caring, and took the time to really listen to our questions. Good stuff. My acupuncturist (who is pregnant!!!!) I hadn't seen for two weeks. She put me on some herbs to increase my blood flow and strength and gave me lots of compassionate care. Just being there and telling her the entire story made me so sad...I didn't even have enough emotional energy to ask her about her pregnancy. It just didn't seem like the right time.
I have been talking with my mom, who is endlessly supportive and loving, and have been emailing some fellow bloggers who have shared their experiences with me (thank you Justine), and basically been all-around stellar listeners and caring souls. Thank you. And all the love I've felt from your comments, fellow bloggers, has just really helped me get through these last couple of days. So thank you too.

I have been through a lot in the last week. I might even venture to say that it's been one of, if not the most difficult week of my life. I am still reeling from the fact that I even was pregnant, even if it was on that list of "world's shortest pregnancies." Did someone earlier mention there would be prizes awarded for this honor? A girl can hope...
In all the sadness and simple horror of knowing that you were pregnant and now you are not, I have managed to keep it positive. And real, I hope. I am still impressed with myself for getting pregnant at all. I need to remind myself that that is something to celebrate (patting self on back). So even if it didn't take...it still happened. It was real. And if it happened once, hopefully I can make it happen again. I am thankful to myself for that gift.

I feel so blessed in other ways...this whole experience has helped put things into perspective (I know..such a cheesy thing to say) but it's true. I need to know that if I am meant to be a mother to a child, it will all come in due time. I am lucky in all kinds of ways...it's important now for me to live in that feeling, and not be pulled down by the sadness of losing a pregnancy.

One very real positive thing that has come out of this is that it's made Chefy and I much closer. It's hard to explain exactly, as I knew I wanted to have children with her for a while now...just going through this has solidified that for me. I can't wait to be a parent with her, to have a family. It's all gonna be good. Shoot.

So ultimately, things aren't the hellhole I had expected. (Can I get an Amen!) Ok, so I was pregnant and it didn't work. That baby wasn't meant to be in this world, and probably for good reason. I know now that I am capable of getting pregnant, and have been given the opportunity to work on my patience levels by waiting it out until it happens again. I feel like I know I will be okay. Life will continue on, and one day things will work themselves out. What more can I ask for?

.

update 12 hours later.

period starting. two different pregnancy tests are negative. pregnancy lasted one week.

It was a blessing to become pregnant so quickly. I know that I was incredibly lucky to become pregnant on our first try. It gives me hope that this will work again, sometime in the future.

Right now I feel comforted by the fact that I did everything that I could in the last month to get pregnant and stay pregnant, and that this baby was just not meant to be. I just am so sad.

The Good, The Bad, and The Scaringly Annoying

1 week after our bfp, and here's where we stand.

THE GOOD

• still pregnant, proved positive by the following;
• four positive tests
• no real period
• tatas as big as houses and as sore as a freshly bee-stung bum
• back ache
• crazy dizziness and fatigue. I've gotten entirely exhausted by walking four blocks and need to sit down at destination in order not to pass out. 
• peeing like mad, and feeling like I have to pee, even if I've just walked out of the bathroom

THE BAD

• mood swings galore (I've begged off mascara finally, as it just is getting ruined every day). I guess this could just go in above said category, but I needed something to put here.

And in a category of its VERY OWN......

THE SCARILY ANNOYING

• spotting, almost every day. It is pinkish in hue, and mostly keeps itself not in the undies, but only shows it's crappy face when wiping. It varies in amount, one time being a spot the size of a quarter, but mostly stays about dime size or smaller. It managed to go away mostly for two days and today has come back with a vengeance. I will be honest, its making me mad.

I've spoken to my OB, the midwife in the same office who is a friend, and my mother about the spotting, as well as doing hours of my own research both in books and online. I am fully aware that spotting is fairly common in early pregnancy and that it may mean nothing at all, but that it also may be an indication of miscarriage. None of it has been accompanied by severe cramps or pain, but even its presence is leaving me a bit of a wreck. My OB is the least helpful, saying that only time will tell, and we'll just have to wait and see. Gee, thanks. The midwife-friend is lovely, and she's given me good advice about using progesterone (not going to have much of an affect at this late in the game), and has encouraged me to do things that help me RELAX. My mother says I should just stop looking at the toilet paper, which I am starting to seriously consider. Each time I go to the bathroom (approx 20+ times a day), seeing those pink spots makes my heart stop a little each time.

Also necessary to note is that I am still very early along here, only 4w6d. While I don't think I could ever emotionally prepare myself for a miscarriage, I am aware of it's commonality, and not totally unrealistic about the premature state of my pregnancy. In order to cope so far, I have been resting a lot, trying to visualize a healthy embryo, distracting myself, and trying to stay positive. I know that whatever happens, I will be fine. Chefy will be fine, PooMan will be fine, we will all survive and carry on. Its this uncertainty of not knowing the outcome that is leaving me for a loop...

Can i ask those of you out there that have experienced this, what were the circumstances and how did you cope? I am thinking of going to get my hcg numbers, just to somewhat know either way (my first real prenatal appt isn't for 3 weeks). Have any of you had spotting in your first trimester? Just looking for some perspective here....

Two days later..

And I still haven't wrapped my head around the fact that this is real. I am feeling a lot of things; excited, anxious, elated, nervous and surprised as hell, guilt for having this work so quickly and of course a deep sense of how lucky I am to have it work (so far) so soon. This guilt and surprise is complex. It includes anger and confusion, and to be honest, a bitterness that there are women out there who have been working so hard who I feel deserve this more than me. At this point, I am just trying to understand that yes, I am pregnant, and am trying to take it day by day. The fear of miscarriage is obviously in my mind, but I am trying to focus and visualize the success of the embryo, it keeping calm and carrying on...

I also in a way have been (and this may sound really strange) trying to not think about it too much. I realize that in my life, I have often suffered due to over-thinking things, instead of relaxing and letting things happen as they will. If I really let myself go there with the reality of this, I feel like I might freak out mentally. So. I've been trying to just breathe, stay calm, positive, and relaxed. So far this approach has been working.

Also included in the irony of this whole situation, I am now faced with a pregnancy that I had presumed wouldn't be a reality for approximately another six months! Don't get my wrong, I am in no way complaining or ungrateful for this gift of getting pregnant on the first try. I am simply shocked and feeling a little under-prepared for this, as I assumed it would take a few months at least for this to happen. It's a bit of a shock to realize that while your planning on leisurely trying to get pregnant for six months or so..BAMN you're good to go on your first try. As my friend would say.....crazytown. Now comes all the re-planning of our lives :)

So the story. How has this all gone down in the last couple of weeks. I will keep this short, but hopefully give you the whole story.

About 7 days ago, I noticed that my breasts were feeling particularly sore. Also, I started noticing my lower back on both the right and left sides was aching. I felt these symptoms during the day but they really started hurting at night. By 11DPO, my breasts were so enlarged and sore that I would've had a really hard time explaining those symptoms away if I turned out to not be pregnant. Chefy and i talked about pshycosymatic symptoms, but that seemed like the only way (besides pregnancy) to explain what was happening to my body. I researched early symptoms and a lot of folks tell you that you can't feel much during the first two weeks. I am now a firm believer that YOU MAY KNOW early on if you are having symptoms that you suspect. I'm not going to say I had a women's intuition about being pregnant, my body was simply changing, and it was hard to ignore. Anyway..

So on 12DPO, I took a test in the AM, and it was positive. I've taken three so far, all positive. I still kind of can't believe it. Chefy and I cried and generally freaked out for a while, and then I called my mom at work. She of course freaked out as well. I went to work and when I came home that night I called my dad and the three of us talked (my parents are together). They couldn't be more supportive. My dad is very cautious and kept warning me that it might not work out (my mom lost a baby during birth), which is good to remember. My mother of course was telling him to be quiet and trying all she could to not go on the internet and start buying baby stuff. They are very different in their support, but lovely all the same.

So my parents, one good friend, my OB, and all you amazing friends here are the only people that know so far. I called my OB yesterday and set up an appointment for 8 weeks. She was lovely and encouraging, and told me to take it easy for the next few weeks to let "nature run its course." I will be trying to follow her advice. Both she and my mom (who is a pediatrician) agreed that bloodwork wasn't necessary to confirm pregnancy, and that I shouldn't need to be seen until about 8 weeks.

Chefy has been incredible. She has been taking care of me, feeding me, coddling me, loving me, and just being a wonderful wife. I couldn't have asked for better.

From here I am just going to treasure this experience as it comes, enjoy each day, relax and let my body do its thing, and educate myself as much as I can in the coming weeks.

And of course you bloggers in many ways have been the biggest support for me. I can't thank you enough for all of your happiness and congratulatory messages sent my way. I feel the love, and I am truly thankful for it.

12 DPO And......

I've had some spotting the last two days. Nothing like my normal pre-AF spotting- this stuff was light pink at first and then darker brown. So. I got worried. Naturally. And what happens when a woman who is trying to get pregnant can't tell if her spotting is from AF or implantation? Also naturally, she takes a hpt. Well I took one last night (3/15) around 6PM and it was negative. Just on a whim (and from my complete lack of patience, who are we kidding) I took one this morning at 9am (3/16) and..........

Craziness, huh? I think I'm still in shock. 

I have been spending the day trying not to think about it too much. Chefy cried when I told her and has been walking around with a smile on her face all day. She surprised me when I got home from work with beautiful roses. Aww. 

Also in BFP news, the lovely ladies whose blog I've just started reading over at Bang Head Here also got one this am. Talk about post-ides of March!

Will post more later. Am going to stare at wall in continued shock now.

Drive Yourself Crazy; A Useful Guide to Every TTC Womans TWW.

Do the hands on your clock seem to have slowed down dramatically in the last couple of weeks?
Do you find yourself going to bed at 7pm just to hurry up and get to tomorrow?
Have you found you've started speaking in slow tones to yourself when at home/work/out. Are they conversations that go something like this? "Wait. Did my back just hurt just then? I think my right nipple is feeling extra sensitive today. Whoa...I think that my head hurt for a second there." Etc..

If you have, then these are things you SHOULD NOT DO.
1. Take any amount of time off work. Free time is your enemy!
2. Use Google AT ALL. Especially for DPO symptoms.
3. Have your partner habitually feel you up to check the consistency of your tatas (well, this one isn't that bad.)
4. Watch The Miracle of Life on Nova.  (seriously Libby?)
5. Again, please see #2. Add ALL INTERNET, even Fer.tility Foe.
6. Try to conjure up symptoms out of thin air. "I swear I just felt an implantation cramp."

For your mental health and the mental health of others, please refrain from cooing to strangers' babies on the street, leering at pregnant women in public, and goo-goo-ga-ga-ing small children when standing in line at the grocery store.

Things TO DO during TWW.
1. Um...get really good at diverting your attention to um.....something else?


(sliding trumpet) whaaa whaaa whaaaa....I apologize. I have obviously inherited my father's corny sense of humor, and am desperately trying not to google. Thanks for indulging me, bloggers. Love ya!

Shut the door, keep out the devil

I re-read my last post on our first two insems, and I feel silly. Not for my wishful thinking, but for all the confidence I portrayed. Silly Libby, how over eager you were. Don't get me wrong, I still think our timing was okay (we will find out soon enough, now won't we), but I have to admit that the 2 days following our second insem (which was in the morning), my temperature didn't go up to confirm ovulation, it WENT DOWN. FOR TWO DAYS. Craptastic. Shitballs. Fuckville. Only on CD 17 did it spike up 1.3 degrees, two full days after the last insem. That's 48 whole hours. So. What can you do? Nothing, absolutely nada. There you have it.

One of the few consolations I have is that now this is completely out of my hands. What a huge relief to know that you have done everything you can in order to make those crazy sperm meet your beautiful full egg, and once those insems are done, all you have to do it sit back, relax, and think good thoughts. This alone makes me feel happy. Oh, and the idea that if this doesn't work...I get to have a glass of wine (!) at some point. So it's either wine or pregnant. Either way I figure I'm winning.

I am passing the TWW so far, fairly easily. We've been crazy busy at work, which keeps me distracted, and PooMan's 9th birthday is this week, so we're busy with those celebrations. I have been of course kind of obsessing about listening to each and every twinge my body lets me in on. These have amounted to a fair amount of back pain in the afternoons and more tender breasts than normal. My lower stomach was a bit crampy for two days after the IUI as well, but I figure that's normal. My dreams are all about sperm and babies and inseminations. My appetite also has gone through the roof, especially at night. Who knows what it all means...maybe I'm just letting myself relax and eat and be comfy during this time in order to prepare myself for whatever happens. Either way we will know in about 9 days, and thank you lovely bloggers for all your messages of luck and well wishes. Your encouragement has meant a lot to me. So much. So thank you.

oh and to explain the title...this is an old spiritual that i sang once in a childrens choir I was in. For some reason it just popped into my head..not sure why but it feels useful now. 

We Have Liftoff

It's official. We have started.

Last night: faint positive on OPK. Full ferning on lens. Cervix position is high and soft, with much CM springing forth. First at-home insemination with frozen sperm, 5:20 PM, with lots of resting and positive thinking afterwards.

This morning: Positive OPK. Full ferning on lens. Cervix position is high, soft and TOTALLY WIDE OPEN. First IUI with frozen sample at Dr. Lovely's office, complete with sperm sample viewed in microscope (damn those buggers were swimming, and there were tons!)  at 10.30 AM. Insems are 17 hours apart.

Currently: Resting on couch, eating crackers and cheese and watching documentaries on demand. Chefy and have had a very exciting last 20+ hours. We feel really good about the timing with both insems, and our Dr. Lovely was awesome. She exclaimed that my cervix was open to the size of a large pea, that there was an "awesome" amount of CM, and that the sperm sample was one of the "busiest" she's seen. She was very into showing Chefy everything about the IUI and let her push the plunger. She also gave us a couple nice tips for our next at-home attempt. That, and the price of the IUI was half what I thought it would be!

Overall, while I am keeping my expectations low (12% phooey), I am also lying on this couch allowing myself to visualize a pregnancy taking place right now. As I type. Yes.

Bring on the TWW!