Thank You and Break

First, thank you all so much for your generous, loving comments. They have been so helpful in keeping me somewhat sane and from losing too much perspective. So thank you, so much.

So I've decided to take a blogging hiatus. I've actually been contemplating this for some time (hence the less frequent posts), and this miscarriage is putting me over that line, apparently.  I need to spend less time focusing on TTC and more time focusing on, well, me,... strange as that may sound.

This miscarriage is breaking my heart. I am still somewhat in shock, but mostly am just so sad and angry. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and the reality of it shook me awake. I just can't believe that I can't carry pregnancies. I wonder of course if there is something wrong with my eggs, or me, or my uterus, and then have to bring myself back down to earth and realize that most miscarriages are just plain shitty luck. Why I had to have such bad luck twice is beyond me. I am horrified that I've miscarried twice. So much so, that I'm considering not counting the first one, b/c it was so early. Sounds good, right? The sadness is in feeling like this is never, ever going to work for me. I'm sad and angry that my body is deceiving me, that I can't trust that this will ever work, b/c I am at a 100% failure rate right now. I am so sad that my oldest friend, who just came to visit, is 3 months pregnant and we were so looking forward to having babies together. I am devastated simply that this baby is no more. I am just so scared for the future, and am pissed that I will be so on edge with any future pregnancies. All these feelings. I am trying to keep it together, but sometimes am not so successful.
That doesn't mean we are going to give up. Chefy and I are planning on switching donors and starting again as soon as we think we're able. I haven't given up hope that I will be able to carry a pregnancy to term. I can't give up that hope. Right now it seems impossible, but I would love to prove myself wrong.


Please know that you all will be in my thoughts, especially those of you whom I am lucky to know IRL. Thank you again for all the love and support. It just makes this whole horrific thing a little easier.


Much love and luck,
Libberal

How do you title a miscarriage?

We got back from our first u/s about an hour ago. The midwife didn't find a heartbeat, or a sack. There was a small fetus, which is measuring only 6 weeks. It's a strange thing to slowly watch your worst nightmare come true, as cliche as that sounds. I am still in shock. I can't believe it's happening again. I have been feeling so pregnant, and as I said that to the midwife, she replied, "it's because you were."

I'm going back in on Monday to have another u/s to make sure, and then will have to decide if I want a D&C, or if I want to take something to miscarry at home. I'm not sure which option I'm going to choose. I guess I have the weekend to decide, if I don't start bleeding before then. Do you all have any plus/minuses for either?

I don't want to do anything. I want to die. I want to change my name, fly to Bali, and never return. I can't believe I have to go through all of this again.

Update, schmupdate

Busy times around our house lately. Chefy, PooMan and I managed to escape to Mt. Shasta for four days of camping. We stayed at a campground on a small mountain lake and got very dirty running around, making campfires, hiking, eating, and generally having a grand time. Here are some pics:

Please disregard awkwardly large sunhat and focus on cute stepson and gorgeous Lake Shasta.

We are all a bit dorky. It's what keeps us entertained as a family.

We had a great time. I must admit, I did diva-it up a little when we first got there. My wife was confused. What happened to that girl I married who spent 2 weeks in the boundary waters and has gone snow camping, for god's sake? I guess that being newly rated PG and still feeling a bit uneasy (for a lack of a better word) about it, and being in the middle of the woods with no comforts of home brought out my Mariah Carey side. After the first day, I managed to put Mariah back on her shelf (where she prefers to be, actually) and let myself have a good time.

Back at home, we are back to work. This summer will be busy with the expansion of our restaurant. Plans are in their final stages and we have a very long list of details to attend to over the next couple of months. Chefy and I will both be trying hard to balance work, summer, PooMan, and this new pregnancy this season. Good times.

Speaking of new pregnancy, things in that department seem to be progressing, as far as I can tell. Every day I think haven't gotten my period......must be pregnant still. JK. I am not having any serious nausea, but there are plenty of other signs my body is cluing me in on to let me know something is up. Simply for my own prosperity, here are my symptoms thus far:

• Fatigue. I get tired just thinking about doing something strenuous. Like making a bowl of cereal.
• Bloat. This one has now become my bff. What would I do without eating one cracker and then watching my stomach expand as if I've just eating the entire box? It's a sight that never fails to enthrall.
• Constipation. Yes, we all know this is TMI, but F that. Things have just....s..l....o....w..e....d  d.....o....w.....n.
• Backache. Upper, lower....it likes to surprise me.
• Cramps. Expand uterus, expand!
• Playing the pee game. My toilet and I, and in fact toilets all over California, are becoming my bff's. Move over bloat. 
• Alien breasts.....with emphasis on "alien."
• Insomnia. Not sleeping b/c you're having really crazy intense dreams about the kid you were pen pals with in second grade= awesome. 
• Queasiness. No full-blown nausea, just some randomly unsettling stomach flips. Ick. 
• Dizziness. This is the fun one. Whoopee!

So I'm thinking so far, it's still in there- blood circulating, cells dividing, organs forming. Extremely strange, if you really stop and think about it. In the restaurant today there was a new baby girl (just one of many, really), but looking at her, the realization that in less than a year I could be taking care of a new baby just sent me spinning. What an idea. I want to write more about what that may feel like but right now just feel still to anxious to do so. Maybe in another post, sometime in the future. For now, our first ultrasound will be July 21, just 10 days away. I will be 8.5 ish weeks pregnant then. Part of me thinks that I'll lay down on that bed, put my legs up and have the midwife search for hours for the imaginary baby I've been making up these past couple of weeks. Sigh. Let's hope this is not the case.

Oh! And many many many many many congratulations and well wishes to Bao in the Oven for the birth of their baby girl! Congrats ladies!!!! Chefy saw the picture of the new baby and lost it. Only, of course, after I did. Kudos!!