Two important numbers

1. I turned 36 last Sunday, about a week after the miscarriage. Not a lot of celebrations, and so I made it through. It feels like another wasted year; 10 months of unsuccessful iui's, a lot of money, time, and now a third miscarriage. My daughter of course, has been and continues to be such a joy. I can't be so incredibly sad all the time. When I was 2, my mom had a stillbirth. I don't want that grief I'm sure I shared with her to be the same with Aurora. And so I get up every day and smile with her.

2. Trisomy 15. That's what the tissue from the miscarriage tested positive for. I'm mixed about this result. While it doesn't rule out the fact that there might be an issue with me, it does reassure me that there was a discernible issue. It gives me a concrete reason for this miscarriage.

From here, I move onto IVF with what's called Comprehensive Chromosonal Screening (or CCS). Here I am, spending hours on fertility boards, faxing medical records, making appointments and lists of the important questions to ask, not knowing if any of this is ever going to work. I feel as if I'm in the middle of a long journey: one in which I've lost so much time already, and yet still not knowing if I'm ever going to arrive.

It's Over

Missed miscarriage confirmed this morning. No heartbeat, and baby only measuring only around 8 weeks. It must have died not too long after our last ultrasound.

I think the hardest part was seeing it- thinking about what it could have been.

This will be number 3 for me. First miscarriage after seeing the heartbeat. I've joined that small statistic of women. Having the d&c tomorrow morning.

What, me worry?

Apologies for the update delay (not that there are many of you to update :) But we've heard the heartbeat twice now. First ultrasound at 6w6d showed a hb of 120, with bean measuring 4-5 days behind (eep!). A call to my midwife reassured me that as long as it is within a week-don't worry! Ok. (Midwives, amazing how optimistic those gems are. A characteristic sorely missed at the fertility clinic where they are all "hmmmm....we'll see..." delivered darkly). Second ultrasound at 7w6d showed a hb of 150, with bean measuring 7w4d! Excellente! I got a little parting gift from my fertility clinic along with a lot of smiles and hugs. Cute.

As of today, I'm 8w3d. While symptoms still are like sneaky cats- now you feel them, now you don't- I have had a decent sprinkling of nausea, which has been uncomfortable, yet reassuring. I find I am no longer on pins and needles. In fact, I've made the executive decision to just not fucking worry anymore. What will be will be. If I loose this bean at 9 weeks, I will be fine. If I stay pregnant, I will also be just as fine.

As I'm typing this, I realize I am doing so simply to assuage my- that's right- worry. It's an endless hamster wheel of denial and anxiety, that emotion. At least for me ;)

So one day at a time, with a good fat dose of LESS WORRY.

Here we are.. waiting.

I have an ultrasound on Thursday, our fourth wedding anniversary. I'll be (supposedly) 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant. Let's hope.

I've been back and forth with symptoms. One day I'll feel a barrage of signs: dizziness, moody, very sore bbs, crazy backache, headache, cramps, lots of peeing, etc..., and the next couple of days the symptoms will lesson, only to come back for an hour or two every third day...or something. I'm in such a mind-funk thinking and wondering if I am actually carrying a small something in there, that I'm half gone ninety percent of the time. At least it feels like it. It's a strange emotional place- one where you can't remove yourself from your immediate physical awareness. It's exhausting, and overwhelming, and crazy all at once. The roller-coaster that is early pregnancy (and pregnancy in general), is one that I am not used to- even though I've been here 3 times previously.

The one thing that keeps my mind in a dark place is that I've not had hardly any morning sickness. I know this is not necessarily an indicator things are bad, but I know that when I was pregnant with Aurora, it was a reassuring (if not awful) symptom. I've felt a tich queasy off and on, but I chalk those moments up to being psychosomatic.

We will see what happens on Thursday. What a nice anniversary gift it would be if we hear a heartbeat. And what a trial we will most definitely survive if we do not.

Three Good Things

1. My 4th beta, 48 hours after my last at 144.4 is 319! 42 hours doubling times.
2. Aurora didn't cry at preschool this morning-her first time in two weeks.
3. Summer is finally here in SF.

Feeling grateful and thankful today. And also a little foolish :/

Beta Limbo Lower Now

And the waiting/anxiety/craptastic early pregnancy dance continues.

Over the weekend, I got nervous. I got nervous because my spotting didn't stop like I thought it would. I got nervous because my symptoms left me. Bbs back to normal, no more backache, headache, queasiness. So I got #3 beta, which came in at 144.4. Shit.

That gives me a doubling time of 54.9 hours. Did I say shit? Well, shit.

My wife, while lovingly optimistic, is keeping the faith. I, on the other hand, am calling this one "on its way out." Facts don't lie, folks. I'm still spotting- not a whole lot more- but still. My symptoms are rare and weak, and my betas aren't quite there. It's just easier for me to accept defeat at this time, rather than draw out this crazy-making process. I just want the whole fucking thing to be over. Bleed, already.

Sorry for the dour news (with an even more dour attitude), I just can't bring myself to fake positivity during this whole process.

Second Beta

is...


58!


Though the odds were against us, (first beta was on 9/11, second was on Friday the 13th), things are actually headed in the right direction. I am officially 4 weeks pregnant.

In other news, the spotting has not completely stopped, but it remains brown and has decidedly tapered off. So I'm better.

While we're not out of the weeds just yet, I am feeling more optimistic. Once I see a heartbeat, I'll be much more excited.

Happy Weekend :)

Possibly.....

So theres these.

And then there's the spotting. No pink or red, but a medium (heavy spotting/super light period amount?!?) of dark brown mucusy discharge. It's been about 20 hours of this stuff, and it's killing me. Remember my chemical pregnancy back in 2010? Yeah, it could be another one of those, although my spotting that time was pink and red.

Also, there's the beta at 12dpo: 23.2. Not fabulous, but my beta with Aurora at 14dpo was only 40.

Everyone on my RE's team, including my RE happened to be standing in the hallway when I went in to get my blood done. They all smiled and whispered a hushed "congratulations" to me, which was great. But, I'm only cautiously excited. The next 48 hours should be interesting.

Huevos

After 100iu's daily of Follistim for the last 5 days, I am currently on cd8, with 4 follicles: 20mm,17mm, and 2 16mm's. Three on the left, and one on the right. Seems like the Follistim is doing her job. I've never had more than 2 (and that was only the one time) follicles large enough to be viable. Our new lovely RE is having us trigger tonight, with the IUI scheduled 36 post trigger. I'm going to be doing two at-home inseminations in addition to the IUI, probably 24 hours post trigger, although I'm not 100 percent on that. While it feels strange to be triggering on cd8, Doc says we should "listen to my body" and trigger. I agree. I don't need any more than 4 follies. Let's just hope one of them is good!

Nope.

Despite my love bullets, and some fairly convincing symptoms, IUI #5 is a bust. While I'm tempted to lay blame on something, I can't. On the books, it was a perfect cycle. Amazing timing, two large follicles, good sperm numbers... I even had a triphasic chart! So I'm left with the confusing reality of single lines, frustrated tears, and injectibles on the horizon. Fuck.

Love Bullets

Because I am entering the harder half of this cycle- the waiting, the hoping, the crazy-making progesterone, I am tempted to focus on those times in life that are bringing me joy. Hence, the love bullets. Here goes:

• Loving my new RE. She's straightforward, down to earth, clearly understood, and Chinese-American. Plus, her husband is from NOLA. 
• Loving work lately. B and I have a couple of new projects coming up, so keeping busy always helps. 
• Loving the dates my wife and I have been going on. Movies, nights away in fancy hotels, meals at amazing restaurants. We are lucky to be able to do this, and every time we do, our marriage is that much better for it.
• Loving all the pregnancies around me. While this one can be tricky, I am truly loving hearing about others' successes, both in real life and online.
• Loving San Francisco more these days. This has been an important one, as for the last couple of years this city has been getting me down (the tech yuppies, all the construction, and consequently, the congestion). Maybe I'm still working on this one, but a week in Maui and a day trip to Marin have helped me put things in perspective a bit. 
• Loving that I feel like the timing/numbers this cycle couldn't have been better. That makes me happy, and gives me hope.
• Lastly, of course loving my gorgeous girl. She is lately mastering the two-syllable words- "pineapple," "toothbrush," "backseat." So fun.

Alright! Here's to staying positive and focusing on the loves during this tww.

If it's not one cyst, it's another...

So another cycle, another cyst. The good news: the last cyst is gone. The bad news: A smaller one took its place, on the opposite side. While not excited about this discovery, my RE wasn't deterred. She thought that with the small size of the cyst, and my follicle count on cd3 (13), that a medicated cycle has a good possibility of working. Despite my impatient questioning of why this second baby is taking longer to conceive, she tells me to have patience and that eventually it will happen. It's time to have some faith in this process, instead of being negative, impatient, and pessimistic. I've decided to be quite the opposite. It will work, it's just a matter of time.

Good Thing

..we're not trying this month, because it wasn't until today (cd16) that I finally got a positive OPK, and it would've been impossible to inseminate tomorrow because we're headed to Hawaii!!!!!!
See ya'll in a week! XO

Happy 5th! Cycle free!

Wow does it feel great to not cycling this month. After a couple days of proandcons, plusandminuses, talks, and some helpful advice from my acupuncturist (in my opinion, I would just wait until things have time to settle), we decided to take this month off. Commence relaxation! Alcohol! Exercise! Focusing solely on my lovely toddler! Life is good when I'm not ttc'ing....
I feel like a whole human again. No more hormone-fueled, worried, manic version of myself. My wife keeps telling me that she's glad to have me back :)

So in that vein, and because I feel that I do need to lighten things up around here. Following is a list of the things I love most about the beautiful, precocious toddler that I already have, bulleted. (Time to focus on the things I do have).

• Aurora counts in twos: as in "two...two....two..two...." 
• Her favorite games are titled " la la la," "puppy," "fly," and "shot." Each involves some version of us on our knees, crawling around the living room, and panting/singing/exclaiming while she screams in delight.
• Our little one is dramatic! People are always commenting on her range of facial expressions, and my favorite move is her "mad" act, where she furrows her brow, scowl-faced, crosses her arms vehemently, and says "mad!" I'm scared for the teenage years...
• To even out the drama, she is a lover. She will kiss and hug you until you are covered in slobber.
• As she reaches two (11days!) she is so fun to watch in all aspects: playing, interacting, observing, acting out, laughing, being silly. As all parents will attest, watching your child's personality grow is such a freaking treat. Good times.

She is such a gift, and life with her just gets more Interesting (and challenging).
Here's to a little time off. Happy blogging all..

Cystic

Cd 3, baseline ultrasound, and while there seem to be a good number of follicles, my new RE found a "large" corpus luteal cyst on my left side. So no femara or Ovidrel shot for me this cycle. The question stands- should we even cycle this month or not? We could go ahead with an unmediated IUI, but I'm not sure if its even worth it. Anyone out there with any advice/experience with this?
Sorry to keep these posts short, I, like most, am just crazy busy lately, so must keep ttc blog short and related to only...ttc. Thanks for any info...

Nope.

Not pregnant :(

This is BFN number 4 for baby number 2. Sitting with disappointment right now, will formulate plan later. Ugh.

Interim

6 days to go until test time. This time around, no testing of any kind until 14dpo. No more anxiety-inducing early negatives, no more stress-blanket of frustration to get smothered by. So far, this tww has been an unexpectedly less difficult ride. My mantra,"symptoms are nothing" has really helped, especially since none have reared their infuriating heads. Strange. Last three unsuccessful tries, and my body became a lightning rod for faux-pregnancy symptoms. This time around, not so much as a twinge (oh, except for some debilitating labor-type cramps on 3dpo- but who knows what the hell those were). So again, this tww has been a refreshing change of life-as-usual, with the occasional downtime remembrance of "oh yeah, I might be pregnant," which is just as easily usurped by "nope. no way." Hey, it works for me. Plus, after our last negative, I called the bank and bought up the rest of our donor's samples- which as far as I'm concerned, is the only roadblock to baby. Credit card maxed, vials shipped to storage, and the world is my oyster. Nothing can stop me now from having another baby, no matter how long it takes.

Also, it's helped that I cut severely down on Go*gle, and have come up with a "distraction calendar" with my wife. She's the best :)

Who said this process is out of our control....pffffhh...

2 days post IUI here, and boy was my ovulation.......a total mystery.
The first 7 days of the cycle proceeded normally, with my 500mg of Femara. On cd 9, which is usually the day I start to take OPK's (as I like to cover the spread), I kinda forgot to start taking them. Hmm. Oops. No excuses, just busy with life, and missed it.
So. Morning of cd 10 rolls around and whilst my daughter and I are getting our morning started, I feel a whole lot of slippery matter down south, and suddenly remember that I needed to pee on an OPK. 10:30am, and it's a dark dark positive. What?! I call the clinic, and they have me confirm the positive by taking another test (even darker). They tell me they need to see me in 20 minutes, so I rush around the house, getting myself and the baby ready (they let me bring her b/c is a Sunday, my wife is at work, and I am their last appointment of the day). As I drive across town to the clinic, my daughter yells "fast car!' from the backseat.
I was seen by a doc I haven't seen before, and hopefully will never have to see again. Not the friendliest, but he did confirm that I had not yet ovulated, and that my lining was great, and there was a large 30mm follie on my right side.
Great. I give myself my Ovidrel shot in the exam room, with my daughter asking "me! me!" Of course, like all things, wanting one herself. We schedule the IUI for the following morning. My wife and I spend the rest of the evening going out to dinner and seeing an excellent Rufus Wainwright show at the SF Symphony. Fabulous distractions.
The next morning was a little chaotic (not able to take my temp b/c of a crying toddler, a call-in sick from our nanny, dropping the baby off at a friends), but we made it to the clinic on time. The IUI went swimmingly and was performed by an excellent female Doc. The count was 18.2 million- with combining two sub-par vials (third one so far, this is yet another post). I rest for 20 minutes afterward and then continue on with my day.
The next morning my temp drops a bit. Hm. The last four days my temp has been impossible to take, or all over the place. I feel like I may have ovulated the night before my IUI, which would have been cd10. Ugh. Because I didn't start taking my OPK's until cd 10, I could have ovulated as soon as right after my ultrasound that day. Making my IUI a good 20 something hours after ovulation. Honestly, I am confused, yet again, by my body. There is a communication breakdown, a missed connection, a lost relationship between us. While I'm not sure what is going on, I am trying to relax in the knowledge that I have no control over this process. None. But, of course, I am an idiot for ever thinking that I did.

So now we wait. The doc at the u/s (the nice one), said that "at least you can get a refund for the sperm" when I mentioned that I was scared I had ovulated overnight. She's right. That's all I can control, and hope for. 

Progesterone

And blogging do not mix.

My apologies for the previous crazed rant. While I'm still not pregnant- and am sad and confused about it- I am no longer the fire-breathing progesterone dragon of last week. Good lord how those little bullets work me over.

Not adding up

Sore bbs: check
nausea: check
dizziness: check
headaches: check
cramping: check
bloating: check
negative hpt 11 DPO: check

This cycle, I've pulled out (what I consider to be) the big guns. A smattering of visits to the fertility clinic, around $1500, and here I am in limbo, fairly sure I'm not pregnant again for the third time. The party favors I got this time around were: Femara/Letrozole cd3-7, an Ovidrel trigger shot (my first fertility shot! Yippie!), and then of course, the fucking EVIL P, 200mg daily post ovulation. My bloat and nausea and aches are intense, and with every ache and wave, my I-know-better-than-to-hope hopes are ignited. I've never been a very calm or level person. My parents always describe me as the "emotionally unpredictable" child. This ttc process is working its hardest to bring out my most unpredictably dramatic self. My wife is out of town, it's a rainy and cold day in San Francisco, and I'm most probably not pregnant for the third time in a row. I don't mean to complain, but maybe that's why I blog. Not expecting to situate myself realistically in the trajectory of my long and fairly happy life, this process (and blog) enable me to choose to focus on my failures. So fuck this.
Feeling defeated. Not pregnant.

Unpredicatble times call for unpredictable....posts?

So not pregnant, these last two cycles.
In the interest of utilizing the 15 or so minutes of quiet I am allowed while my beautiful toddler eats her dinner (frozen berries, green beans and frozen dumplings...I know, I am no cook like my wife), I will bullet post this bad boy. The last two months have consisted of:

• Realizing how F*ED this process is, and completely forgetting what a roller coaster it can be. Chefy and I did not prepare ourselves for the onslaught that is TTC insanity. Not to be dramatic, but it's not been fun getting back into the swing of this try. 
• Me realizing how much more interested/excited I was the first time around. It was such a thrill to get to know my body better, to get into "baby mode" and the expectation of getting pregnant. Now, I just want another baby. I don't have nearly as much time or energy for that matter, this time around. I'm not dreading being pregnant again, but I'm not as excited for it either. I just want the baby. Impatient much, Libby?
• Two confusing non-successful cycles. I used exactly the same timing/drugs/sperm/tools/tricks as the the three other cycles I got pregnant, but no go. Both times. I even increased the vials to 4 (like we did when we got pregnant with Aurora), and no luck. My opk's are giving me the run-around. They used to turn positive the day I would ovulate. Now, it seems like I'm ovulating a day or two after I get a positive. Confusing, and expensive. Grrrrr..
• I'm taking the next month off (travel and parents visiting), and then onto the Big Fertility Clinic! Why not. I'm older, we have a little money, and like I said- I'm impatient. Plus, it would be great to do a medicated IUI cycle with a trigger shot. You people make me ovulate. I'm sick of trying to figure out when it happens myself. 
• Chefy and I are seeing this simply as a means to an end. Maybe that's why the last two cycles were busts. Maybe it's time for me to embrace the process of TTC again, instead of seeing it as an inconvenient hurdle. Also, I could take the time to reflect on being a parent of two little ones (not that I haven't been mulling that one over with extreme intensity). Still, I think its time I took a deep breath, realized I'm in on this roller coaster again, and there's nothing I can do but relax and hope for the best.

Thanks for listening.

Le Sigh

In limbo here on the West Coast. 11 or 12 dpo, and no positive hpt's to be found anywhere.....

The last week or so has been so hopeful-I've been feeling pretty pregnant. This confidence was brought on by a strong metallic taste that arrived the day after our at-home insem and IUI (at our OB's house- crazy, great story for another time). I'd had this taste when pregnant with Aurora, and it stayed with me until about 16 weeks into the pregnancy. So when this delicious penny-sucking flavor reared its head the day after our two inseminations, I was ecstatic! Along with several other promising symptoms (sore bbs, backache, queasiness, headache, fatigue, watery cm, dizziness), wifey and I were feeling confident.

BUT. Here we are, 12 dpo and no second line anywhere. So frustrating. I also convieniently found out that metal mouth can be a side effect of femara. My hopes are in the basement, folks. I'm weepy, and mad, and feeling tired. I had forgotten how hard TTC is. What we do to be parents.

Of course, I'm feeling all these things, and then I hear "MOOOOMMMY!" Being bellowed by my lovely 19 month old daughter, and I just have to smile.

Back in, and how.

Time for number two.
Without getting into too many details, we're cycling this go-round. CD5, sperm on ice, acupuncturist consulted, feamara ingested. No caffeine, less other bad-for-you items, and all around slightlyless focusedthanthefirsttime but eager attempt at a baby sibling for Aurora (who is 19 months and thriving in all her 19-month glory). Wish us luck.