First, thank you all so much for your generous, loving comments. They have been so helpful in keeping me somewhat sane and from losing too much perspective. So thank you, so much.
So I've decided to take a blogging hiatus. I've actually been contemplating this for some time (hence the less frequent posts), and this miscarriage is putting me over that line, apparently. I need to spend less time focusing on TTC and more time focusing on, well, me,... strange as that may sound.
This miscarriage is breaking my heart. I am still somewhat in shock, but mostly am just so sad and angry. I woke up in the middle of the night last night and the reality of it shook me awake. I just can't believe that I can't carry pregnancies. I wonder of course if there is something wrong with my eggs, or me, or my uterus, and then have to bring myself back down to earth and realize that most miscarriages are just plain shitty luck. Why I had to have such bad luck twice is beyond me. I am horrified that I've miscarried twice. So much so, that I'm considering not counting the first one, b/c it was so early. Sounds good, right? The sadness is in feeling like this is never, ever going to work for me. I'm sad and angry that my body is deceiving me, that I can't trust that this will ever work, b/c I am at a 100% failure rate right now. I am so sad that my oldest friend, who just came to visit, is 3 months pregnant and we were so looking forward to having babies together. I am devastated simply that this baby is no more. I am just so scared for the future, and am pissed that I will be so on edge with any future pregnancies. All these feelings. I am trying to keep it together, but sometimes am not so successful.
That doesn't mean we are going to give up. Chefy and I are planning on switching donors and starting again as soon as we think we're able. I haven't given up hope that I will be able to carry a pregnancy to term. I can't give up that hope. Right now it seems impossible, but I would love to prove myself wrong.
Please know that you all will be in my thoughts, especially those of you whom I am lucky to know IRL. Thank you again for all the love and support. It just makes this whole horrific thing a little easier.
Much love and luck,
Libberal
12 years ago
Libberal, I am so sorry for your loss and the terror and heartbreak you are feeling now. I had three early miscarriages before I had my first child, and it was one of the most devastating times in my and my partner's life. I wish you much healing. Let me know if you want to email with someone who went through it.
ReplyDeleteI'm just catching up. I wish there were words that seemed remotely adequate. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage and for all the pain, for the hundreds of small things that hit you every day in new and terrible ways. I wish I could make it go away.
ReplyDeletexo
For some reason your uterus can't support the embryo.I would have a RPL test to find out why and stick with your current donor.
ReplyDeletelib,
ReplyDeletei understand your decision to take a break from blogging. take care of yourself, be with your family and friends, and let us know how you're doing when you're ready too.
i know we all start doubting ourselves when the ttc process gets tough and what you've been through is worse than anything most of us have experienced, but please have faith in yourself and your body. there is no reason, at this point, to think this is because of your body. 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. most of those are because of a flaw in the embryo, not the uterus. maybe traveling musician is a shitty donor despite the reported pregnancies. neither of us seem to be having much luck with him.
i wish you healing thoughts and hope for the best with everything for you guys.
*hugs and love*
Libby, I am so sorry for all the doubt and turmoil you are experiencing. It just sucks. Taking a break from blogging and thinking so much about TTC sounds like a good idea. Focus on your wonderful life and the people in it and take some of the pressure off of yourself. Enjoy some summer cocktails, ride a roller coaster, do some fun shit...and come back when you're ready. xoxox
ReplyDeleteAlthough I will miss you terribly, it sounds like you're making the best possible decision for your mental health and for the healing process. I'll be thinking of you and hoping for all the best for you. Lots of hugs and positive healing vibes.
ReplyDeleteWe'll miss you and will be thinking of you. Take that time to heal. We'll be waiting when you come back. In the meantime, good luck on the continued tries. I wish you the very best of luck.
ReplyDeletei understand your break.
ReplyDeleteTake care of eachother, and I hope that you have a productive break. I wish you all the best.
I'm so sorry for your loss. Definitely take the time to get well for yourself. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI've just stumbled on your blog from the LFCA, and wanted to tell you that I'm cry sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI would recommend looking into immunological factors - it's frequently linked to miscarriage and/or and inability to get pregnant, and a lot of doctors don't know enough about it.
I hope your break is what you need to be.
Doesn't losing the community of being pregnant with a friend just make it worse again? That happened to us too, and probably happens to everybody who suffers a loss. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this and wish you a healing break.
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so sorry to hear this. I've had multiple losses, too, and honestly, it's so hard to trust your body to do ANYTHING afterwards. Now that I'm pregnant again, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells. I hope that you find some peace, and that you can be kind to yourself through this. *hug* ... from a stranger, who knows this better than you might imagine.
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard to heal after something like this so please give yourself time and permission to grieve. There is so much to process. Let the people who love you take care of you and don't feel the need to be stronger than you want to be. It takes time.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and Chefy and wishing you peace.
I am soooo very sorry, and understand the break. My heart goes out to you and I hope that time helps heal :)
ReplyDelete