Back again. Not for good, just to vent a bit and clear my head. I am in, it still seems, a bad place.
Now, please don't think for a second that I am a perpetually negative person. I am a realist, yes, but can almost always see a positive and am often a well-adjusted, happy and satisfied little human being.
In the past year, I have become someone else. I am so freaking sad and discouraged and depressed so much of the time. I can't seem to shake all the downward energy that is pulling me further and further into the deep dark hole of this f*cked up process. I don't know how those of you out there who have struggled with this managed to make it through. It seems impossible sometimes to me just to make it through each long, tiring day. And reading these blogs, everyone (well, at least the overwhelming majority of who I read) seems to have smiling pictures of babies and beautiful round bellies, and well, honestly, it just makes me so goddamn sad and frustrated. That's right, pity party of one, right here.
So not so great and happy or sound over here in San Francisco. Just thought I'd let you all know, in case you were curious.
12 years ago
It sucks that you can't get out of that dark place, Libberal, but it is really good to hear from you.
ReplyDeleteThe ttc process is HARD, as you unfortunately know too well. But so many people here (even many of the ones with big bellies or babies) know that pain, too. You have been missed. I hope that this is a sign that you are maybe thinking of crawling out of that hole, and I hope that you find an easier path ahead of you, and the support that you need.
It IS good to hear from you.
xo
Just want you to know I'm thinking about you and hoping it gets better. I remember well how much it hurts to watch from the sidelines as others succeed, especially in wake of losses. I know it's dark and horrible right now. Yell, scream, rail against it all... you have every right.
ReplyDeleteWhen you move on to your next steps, know that I'll be one of your many supporters.
omg i could've written this a year ago. time and time again, it seemed that some people could so easily get pregnant, and nothing we did would work. it literally felt like someone had some magic power to turn a pee stick positive, and we just didn't have it. it still blows my mind that some people can get pregnant w/ IUIs. it just doesn't seem real to me.
ReplyDeleteanyway, i hope you'll hang in there. i'm glad we did. it's worth it in the end.
xoxo
it makes me so sad to see you in this dark place. as others have said, a lot of us have been there and found our way out. i hope you find your way out sooner rather than later.
ReplyDelete((hugs))
Oh Libby, Im so glad to hear from you and can SO sympathize. I think, as you have unfortunately witnessed, this dark place is a rite of passage for some of us in this TTC "journey" -- Know that we are all still here for you, when you decide to re-emerge.
ReplyDeleteHey you! It is good to hear from you, though I'm very sorry to read that you're still in a dark place. I read your updated timeline - it looks like you've identified the culprit, perhaps? I hope things are looking up and some evil P, cholesterol and Chinese herb attention makes the difference for you very soon.
ReplyDeleteNothing has ever made me so frustrated and angry as I was the months I was trying to get pregnant and not understanding why I wasn't getting pregnant. I validate everything you're feeling. And we miss you! xox
It's good to hear from you, but I too am sorry you've been in such a dark place. I've been at this TTC thing for a long time and the disappointment can be unbearable and overwhelming. From your timeline it looks like you're moving ahead though, and hopefully having some new pieces to the plan will help renew your hope. I'll be thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteOh, Libby. I am so sorry things are so rough right now. I hate everything about this for you. I've missed hearing from you and I'm sad to hear that you're in a not so good space. Please know that there is a community of women out here who loves you and who is pulling for you, and who knows that having a hard time does NOT make you a negative person. I am glad you reached out. I'd love to hear from you more, if blogging makes you feel better about things. But can I make a suggestion? Stop reading the blogs of those of us who are pregnant or who have babies. Just for a little while. You can always catch up later if you want to. No need to torture yourself--what you've been through is doing a good enough job of that already.
ReplyDeletelots of kisses & hugs to you.