Not adding up

Sore bbs: check
nausea: check
dizziness: check
headaches: check
cramping: check
bloating: check
negative hpt 11 DPO: check

This cycle, I've pulled out (what I consider to be) the big guns. A smattering of visits to the fertility clinic, around $1500, and here I am in limbo, fairly sure I'm not pregnant again for the third time. The party favors I got this time around were: Femara/Letrozole cd3-7, an Ovidrel trigger shot (my first fertility shot! Yippie!), and then of course, the fucking EVIL P, 200mg daily post ovulation. My bloat and nausea and aches are intense, and with every ache and wave, my I-know-better-than-to-hope hopes are ignited. I've never been a very calm or level person. My parents always describe me as the "emotionally unpredictable" child. This ttc process is working its hardest to bring out my most unpredictably dramatic self. My wife is out of town, it's a rainy and cold day in San Francisco, and I'm most probably not pregnant for the third time in a row. I don't mean to complain, but maybe that's why I blog. Not expecting to situate myself realistically in the trajectory of my long and fairly happy life, this process (and blog) enable me to choose to focus on my failures. So fuck this.
Feeling defeated. Not pregnant.