So....it turns out I'm pregnant again. This is my third pregnancy for 2010, and so far I have one for each season; spring pregnancy in March, summer pregnancy in June, and now a fall pregnancy in October. Here are the details:
- femara cd 3-7.
- no IUI's this round, instead 4 vials at home, 2 for each of the 2 at-home insems.
- positive hpt's on 12dpo.
- 1st beta 40 on 13dpo, 2nd beta 99 on 15dpo. Doubling rate of 34 hours. Progesterone is 28.8.
- 1st u/s this last Thursday at 6w, showing perfect yolk and gestational sacs, but no fetal pole. Midwife tells me she sees 50% of fetal poles at this point. I of course am terrified and think she is just being nice.
First, my apologies for not writing about this sooner. My emotional state has lately been anything but stable. Also, my apologies for looking like an a**hole for complaining about this process. I know I have been lucky to get pregnant easily, it's just that these miscarriages have left me incredibly depressed and entirely unraveled. I feel like I'm standing on quicksand. I'm not sure I will be able to get through another miscarriage. I am completely unable to relax or enjoy the fact that I am pregnant. I am living in a state of uncertainty and fear. My symptoms come and go, causing me continued anxiety. One day my breasts will be searing with pain, the next...nothing. I am stressed and anxious beyond belief. Most days I have no idea how I'll get through this.
I did have an early pregnancy appointment with
this lovely queer midwife, who talked about all the work and disappointment I've gone through as all part of my preparation for being a parent. I realize that I have not been accepting this pregnancy at all, and that all I can see it as is yet another miscarriage. At this point, I'm just trying to get through each day.
Who knows what will happen. My next ultrasound is next Thursday, Nov 18. I try to breathe, in and out, and just get through the moment. That's all I can do.
First of all, Congratulations. This is wonderful news. It's what you have been striving for so dilligently.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you are not able to enjoy the success so far. I can't imagine how you must feel after experiencing the other miscarriages. I know it's easy for me to say, but I hope you're able to relax a bit. Live day to day and do your best of course. Everything you've reported so far sounds great. AND, I didn't have one damn symptom myself. Not even one... all these so-called symptoms can be very misleading and easy to over-analyze.
I'm sending all the positive energy I can. :) Congrats again - this really is something to celebrate.
Congratulations! I really hope this one sticks. I know it's hard to have faith in your pregnancy at this point, but that doesn't mean it won't be the one that makes it through.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you have every right to feel the way you do. Please don't compound your anxiety by feeling guilty about being anxious. And don't worry about offending the blogosphere. We're still here for you. :) Just take care of yourself the best that you can.
Your uncertainty and fear are logical emotions considering what you've been through. I've spent the last 7 weeks bracing myself to hear that something's gone wrong, and I haven't experienced what you have.
Most of all, good luck! I'll be thinking of you and eagerly anticipating updates on the progression of your pregnancy.
((hugs and love))
Congrats! I can't imagine how anxious you must be. And ditto on Pom, don't worry about seeming like an a**hole. You're totally entitled to be scared shitless, although I hope it passes so that you're able to enjoy the pregnancy the way you deserve to. Hope to hear more good news from you soon.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! I know you're being very cautious, but I'm happy to hear that you've gotten this far. It was so hard to go for so long w/o every getting a positive pee stick, but I imagine that it's much harder to be able to get pregnant, but not stay that way.
ReplyDeleteI will say that my mom and both of my sisters had several miscarriages, and they all have three kids. I also used to have a neighbor who had several miscarriages, so they adopted, then she had two babies shortly thereafter. I don't know why some people have some pregnancies that stick and some that don't. But I think you've got a very good shot at being able to carry to term, despite your history.
And at V's 6 week u/s, there was one fetal pole, and one w/o. So we were at 50% exactly, and of course both were fine.
Glad to see you back! I'll be thinking of you guys and cheering you on!
Oh Libs, every single thing you are feeling makes absolute sense. Of course you are scared as hell after everything you have been through! I hope you are taking some time to spoil yourself with self-care activities while you get through this. Wishing you an abundance of peaceful moments as you get through this part... xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteI remember how terrifying it felt to be pregnant again after losses. I just cried and shook over my faintly positive test, fearful I would just have my heart broken again.
ReplyDeleteI'm hoping that the reassuring news starts to slowly accumulate, helping you transition from fear to hope in time.
I am thinking about you and hoping for the best!
Libbeeeeeeee! So glad to hear the news that you are pregnant!
ReplyDeleteOf COURSE you are shell-shocked and apprehensive after two miscarriages. I never had a miscarriage, but simply from having had a "hard time" getting pregnant I felt anxiety well beyond 12 weeks, and until 12 weeks I was positive I could lose the pregnancy at any second. I can only imagine the level of your anxiety, and it makes complete sense. I'm guessing you will feel this way until you get beyond the point where you learned you lost the last pregnancy, and then the 12 week mark. Are you doing anything differently this time? Progesterone? In the meantime, don't beat yourself up for what you're feeling, k?
We've missed you!!
Congratulations! Your anxiety is so, so understandable. I'm hoping for all the best.
ReplyDeleteYou know what they say, 3rd time's a charm. It can not erase the pain of the past two experiences, but you should be very proud of yourself for jumping back in. We were pretty anxious up until..well still, so I guess it never ends..
ReplyDeleteI know several people who had success/luck (whatever it is) after two miscarriages and there is nothing better than a summer baby! I am thinking of you guys and sending healthy/sticky thoughts..
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Thanks so much everyone. These comments are just so dammned comforting and helpful. My anxiety diminishes word by word. Thanks also for being positive and understanding when I feel like those are the last states I can embrace. I have been feeling better these last two days, and have embraced the concept that what will be, will be. Whatever happens, I will survive. Thanks again, everyone.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations! Here's hoping for the best!
ReplyDeleteI can't even begin to imagine the toll these ups and downs must take on a person. Seeing a yolk sac and gestational sac is really great, I hope you get to see the flutter of a heartbeat tomorrow. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI can’t believe I missed this until now. First a huge congratulations to you dear. Second I can completely understand the hesitation as I think you and I have been on the same MC schedule. I hope that soon you will be able to begin enjoying this pregnancy but I can completely relate to your fears! But the ultrasound results sound really great! I hope you can feel all the love out pouring from everyone of us. We all want this so badly for you.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations. Sorry I didn't see sooner. We've been a bit busy and distracted.
ReplyDelete