Lately I have found myself complaining when talking about my pregnancy, and I've had to stop myself. I refuse to become a mother who struggles to get pregnant and then complains when she is. While this pregnancy isn't always glowing and fabulous and easy, I am not taking any moments of it for granted, not even the not-so-glowing ones. And lately these moments seem to be rearing their ugly heads.
First, I got diagnosed last week with BV (bacterial vaginosis). My discharge had been a strange color and not seeming that healthy over all, so I went to get it checked. Turns out that yup! I'm one of the lucky ones to get this lovely little bacterial infection. Good times. While many pregnant women get BV, I made the gigantic mistake of googling "BV and pregnancy" after coming home with antibiotics in hand. BIG MISTAKE. The entire first two pages are filled with "articles" about how pregnant women with BV have a much higher chance of going into preterm labor, having premature rupture of the membranes, and second trimester miscarriage. WHAT!?!?!?! I had just started to get over the first trimester worries and now this? UGH. After my wife and mother helped talk me down out of the google-induced tree I had climbed, I talked again with my midwife who reassured me that she sees tons of women with BV in pregnancy and that the chances of going into preterm labor because of BV were about as big as getting into my car and getting into a car accident. OK. Deep breaths. Needless to say, my acupuncturist was right. She keeps reminding me that no pregnant woman sails effortlessly through 9 months without some scare at some point. I get it. Turn off the computer, listen to my midwife, take my probiotics, and calm down. Just curious, anyone else out there have BV during pregnancy?
Another issue rearing its not-ugly-but-annoying head is the bloating which will not subside. I started prenatal yoga this week and in two classes I more closely resembled the women who were 25-30 weeks and not all at the 14-20 weekers. I just turned 16 weeks, and I'm huge. Very obviously pregnant and showing. You know what? I started this post saying I wouldn't become an ungrateful pregnant woman and look at where this post has gone......I'll stop this thread now and begin anew. Let's try this again, shall we?
I am thrilled that I've made it this far. I am happy that the baby is here, its wee heart thumping inside me, growing daily. I am unsettled a bit by the fact that I'm so big so early, but really there is nothing I can do about it, so there. The BV can go F itself while I am busy starting to interview doulas. I am ready for this second trimester, for this period of growth and preparing for the baby. I am ready to feel energized and healthy, and to go days without feeling sick. I am currently reading Ina Mae Garten's Guide to Childbirth and loving all the "I gave birth to my baby in a cabin in the woods and it was a magical experience" stories. I am seeing birth more lately something not to fear but to look forward to, and as an experience that requires calm, freedom from expectation, understanding of yourself, and patience.
In this second trimester, I want to embrace and practice those qualities. I need to quell the impatience around not knowing, the fear of the unknown and to turn those moments on their heads- instead practicing trust in my body and the baby to work together and that if I am calm and patient, good things will come. Moments of 180. Everyday.
In closing, here is the 16 week picture.
16w0d:
With all the changes happening to your body I can imagine it's hard not to complain sometimes, which of course doesn't mean that you're not extremely thankful and happy about your pregnancy. So I hope you give yourself permission to vent sometimes. As for how big you are...I'm sure you FEEL it, but honestly from your picture you still look pretty tiny to me!
ReplyDeletefor the record...you def. don't look 20 weeks pregnant yet! you look fab. and you're still allowed to complain--but it's nice that you can still think back to all you've gone through to get here and appreciate it that much more--crappy parts included.
ReplyDeleteI got BV, UGH!! Worse: I had it while Speedy & I were honeymooning in Spain-- at about the same point in my pregnancy as you are now. I was more freaked by the antibiotics than the infection itself. It turned out to be nothing but annoying. And Jonas was two weeks late with no complications. You'll be fine :) and you look fabulous!
ReplyDeleteyou look awesome. if you wanna see a fat pregnant lady, check out my belly shots.
ReplyDeletealso, it really does become less annoying as you progress through the 2nd trimester when you stop feeling sick/tired all the time and start getting knocked up acknowledgments.
Lady, your experience matters whether no matter what and you have more than 'earned' the right to vent whenever it strikes you. BV sounds hideous but I am so glad you have de-googled yourself for the time being. I am trying to devise some alternative reinforcement plan to de-google myself-it only leads me to heartache. Either way, Congratulations on turning another corner!
ReplyDeleteP.s. you look gorgeous as always
You said something here that I want to comment on and I wish I could tell every woman about to experience labor the same thing - go into your labor with goals, a wish list if you will, but leave the ridgid expectations behind. Maybe a better way to say it is to expect the unexpected.
ReplyDeletePS - yes I am reading back through 19weeks of posts. Get ready for comments on posts that are ancient. :)