Ugh.
Ugh, ugh, ugh.
Sigh.
Adjust bra.
Sigh heavier.
Unzip jeans.
Stick out tongue and say uuuggggh.
Progesterone is f&*#@ing my shit up! I am crazy woman! I am a new super-hero called SUPER BLOAT! My boobs and stomach are so heavy all I can do it try to fly high over your neighborhood to save whatever-it-is-that-needs-saving, but I am so bulging and awkward all I do is hit fence posts repeatedly on my upward trajectory. Boink, boink. I'm so puffy that I'm having trouble typing this. No joke. Sausage fingers. Jimmy Dean toes. Thanks progesterone, you piece of poo.
And talk about the exhaustion. I couldn't even get up off the couch for the first two days. I sat on the couch and cried- literally at Hallmark commercials- all day. I cried my eyes out and then yelled at the garbage for needing to be taken out. I have become that bloated crazy bitch who lives down the hall. That woman is me. She and I are one and the same.
My sh*&t is whacked. My body is no longer mine. It is out of my control. I try to listen to my wife as she calmly explains to me how Hormones Cause Emotions, but I will have none of that. I am too exhausted and lumpy to understand the words coming out of her smirking mouth. Whaaaa? Whoooo? I can't understand your mouth, my eyelids are too swollen to see, and I don't get what you're saying because I just watched that show about a woman who gave birth in a toilet because she didn't know she was pregnant and I was sad and confused, and then there was a hallmark commercial for Father's Day and now I can't stop crying, and my boobs feel like blimps that are filled with sand.........and so on and so on.
Someone help me please. All this and I'm not even Pregnant yet. I have to go now and take all my clothes off and lie down to cry some more. I have 8 more days. FML.
I dread my first and hopefully only round of the Evil P after the retrieval (which is looking like it will be Wednesday). All the hormones I've already injected have all directed their way to my boobs which my poor little bras are entirely inadequate at securing. They hurt, all the time.
ReplyDeleteDid I blog about bursting into tears in the RE's office because they someone put my ticket in the wrong spot and I didn't get called for my u/s in order of arrival? It happened. I could not stop crying.
Still, it'll all be worth it in a few weeks when we're throwing up from morning sickness, right? :)
Ugh-- sorry that you are having such a crap response. I really must have been lucky, what with merely mild bloat and a grease stain on my chair to complain about.
ReplyDeleteHopefully this is your last round with it!
Thanks for the sympathy ladies. Maybe I should disclaimer; The situation is not quite as dire as I make it out to be. I thought making fun of the situation (and myself), would be the best way to distract myself from my tww and my symptoms. Please feel free to make fun of my whining and complaining, and me for being such a bad comedic writer!
ReplyDeleteHo man. I feel slightly responsible for giving you our Evil P leftovers! I'm sorry to say that I laughed out loud while reading your post in spite of all the misery you are suffering. You funny lady. Also, I been there. Yelling at the trash for needing to be taken out. Yup.
ReplyDeleteI have watched waaaaaaay too much TLC lately ("Birth Story" mainly), but I can't watch that "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" show. In the last episode I watched, the baby fell out and landed on her shoe. Not. Cool.
Oh I totally saw the woman giving birth on her shoe. It was hard to watch- good thinking on changing the channel on that one. And Ruby, in NO WAY do I hold you responsible for my mammoth, pain-filled breasts. I've got no one to blame but myself for wanting to get into all this baby-making business. And thank you for saying you laughed-even if you're lying (not that I think that you would lie-), it makes my day to know that all my dark and stupid humor is not totally lost on ya'll. Next post will be much more forthright, I promise. ;)
ReplyDeleteMore dark humor, please, not less! I'm just hoping for everyone's sake that I can avoid Evil P since, some days, I think I might already be like that au naturale... :)
ReplyDeleteYes, progesterone is the devil. awful miserable stuff! And may I just share that I still cannot completely dry up my waterworks even after I haven't personally had an attempt in nearly a year! Hang in there and avoid Lifetime and TLC.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for posting this. I feel this exact way and I just want to cry. I found your blog from the little pomegranate seed. It is nice to see others going through the same thing.
ReplyDelete