Rated PG

It's the last day of June. We are all now heading into the serious months of summer. I'm ready for it. Bring on the camp stoves, the tennis rackets, the sunblock, the badminton set, the beach chairs, the ridiculously large sunhats, the blankets for watching fireworks, the coolers filled with beer (just for the effect, of course) the RVs, the moldy smelling tents....everything! Summer is here, and I am ready.

And as of this posting, I am still pregnant. There is so much to share about what's happened in the last couple of weeks that I've been wanting to write about. Let's see how I tackle it.

I have never been this pregnant before. In fact, I am now an entire week more pregnant than I ever have been. This feels monumental to me. Not to be dramatic about it, but there is still a large mental block I am having about the foreseeable success of this pregnancy, one that keeps me from imagining this pregnancy to continue past the current day. Heck, past the current moment. A part of me is really still waiting to see that dreaded blood. That feeling is the only one I have associated with being pregnant...that dread and anxiety. So obviously that is still sitting here with me, keeping me from the all-out celebration that I think everyone who is newly pregnant wants to enjoy. But.
Another part of me is kind of getting used to the idea of being pregnant..........for a while at least. Every time I don't see blood, every time I feel those painful twinges in my breasts, those mild cramps in my stomach, that dizziness in the morning, every time I feel one of those extraordinary feelings, I think...."yeah. I am pregnant."
So this is me...vacillating between that anxiety and calm acceptance. I am somewhere in the middle, swinging on a long rope between the two, hoping I land on both feet.

So far there have been so many aspects of this pregnancy, compared to the last, which are just so much more positive. Firstly, going to the clinic to get those betas was phenomenally positive. All of the women who work in the clinic were congratulatory and celebrating along with me. When I got my first positive hpt the first time, I stayed at home and waited to miscarry, at my OB's suggestion. This time I learned and became much more proactive. I demanded beta tests. I demanded to know that this pregnancy was not on its' way out. Standing up for myself and my needs, even if my OB didn't endorse it, was so validating and just nice. It really set a great tone for my self-confidence around this early stage. (the beta #'s didn't hurt, either).

Secondly, being able to see my acupuncturist during this very early stage has been tremendously positive as well. During my first (shortest ever) pregnancy, she happened to be on vacation, and I didn't see her the entire two weeks I was going through that hell. To take her the first positive hpt (I did, don't laugh. I had gotten it that morning, and was crazily excited), and to have her tell me "yup, that's positive, congrats" was so validating. Seeing her for the last two weeks and being able to talk with her specifically about symptoms, diet, herbs, etc...has been so great. The fact that she is in her third trimester hasn't hurt. She's got some very recent advice about the first trimester. Good stuff.

Also, like I said in my previous post, there's something about this time that does feel different. My symptoms are different, my body feels different, and there is that small piece of calm inside that knows my body is doing its best to maintain and push this pregnancy along, instead of out. I guess just having that feeling that you're body is in this with you is the difference this time around. Whatever that is or wherever that feeling comes from, I don't know. All I know is that it helps keep my anxiety at bay and stabilizes my soul, keeping my smiling.

So that's where my body and I are at. Swinging calmly......waiting it out. Each day I'm still pregnant feels like I've climbed Mt. Everest. I only hope I get to keep that feeling around, for another 8 or so months. Chefy keeps telling me I'm "rated PG." I hope I get to keep that title.